TWoP Quotes
Quotes from Television Without Pity, the best damn TV website ever"This timeline has become tiresome, and may not touch my monkey."
-Demian, Charmed"That's my test for successful tiger-walking. How many pieces are you in? If the answer is 'greater than one,' you've failed. If the answer is one, you've succeeded. (If the answer is less than one, you have disappeared. Call a doctor immediately.)"
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"Faith shouts, 'Come on Angel, I thought you were bad!' Angel is too busy to ask her to clarify if she means he's bad as in cool, or bad as in evil, or just bad as in his hair."
-Strega, Angel, "Five by Five""Sampson pissily says, 'I'm working.' Why do people do this? It's not like the police are going to apologize and come back when you've got free time. Just talk to the cops, feign innocence, act guilty, whatever, then get on with your day."
-Sobell, C.S.I."A hammer is a staple of all American screenwriters. Please continue not to kid yourself."
-Camper"[Y]ou're watching a show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- the focus is going to be on Buffy."
"Heh. And anyone actually sleeping with her, historically."
"Damn. In that case, I sure hope Buffy stops sleeping with Dawn."
-Sep and Ace"They all worry that they'll get 'humped' if the Alliance finds them. No, you'll get 'humped' if the folks on the forums find you. You'll get 'arrested' if the Alliance finds you."
-Shack, Firefly"I get the feeling that line of dialogue required a lot of takes, because I don't know how Bill Bellamy didn't just bust out laughing in Facinelli's face. He is the whitest white that ever whited."
-Kim, Fastlane"Doyle plays the message on the machine, and when Angel hears his voice telling Cordy to go the apartment, he says, 'That's not me,' and hangs up before Doyle has time to explain that your voice always sounds strange when you hear it on a recording."
-Strega, Angel, "Rm w/a Vu""How do you ‘slip’ into a coma? Is there a mental banana peel involved? Oh, shit! I slipped! And fell! Into a coma!"
-Omar"I mean, yeah, pot smoking can lead to the use of more serious drugs... but only if you can still get off the couch and go find some. Stoners are non-destructive and generally pleasant. And they don't overachieve, so you don't have to worry about sending them to expensive private schools."
-Gustave"Phil explains that Iguacu Falls is three times the width of Niagara, although I'm sure Iguacu would ask him to clarify that at this scale, the camera adds a thousand pounds."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"Based on Anya's apprehension and Giles's description of this as a 'dark dimension,' I was thinking that this place might in some way be scary. But no. All Giles meant is that someone forgot to pay the power bill. Words have no power to suggest anything beyond their meaning now. 'Dark' means nothing but 'lack of light. And incredibly windy for no good reason.'"
-Sep, Buffy"Okay, so he's clad in black, southern, corrupt, racist, and Eeeevil. WE GET IT. Nominate and confirm him for Attorney General of the United States and get on with it already."
-Demian, Charmed"I had originally intended to insert a minor treatise on all the myriad and wondrous forms of pornography to be found on this great internet of ours. Then I remembered that if you're reading this, you're already on-line, so it's not like you need me to tell you where to find the porn. In fact, do me a favor and close that other browser window. That's disgusting."
-Aaron"Kaylee aftshadows some more that if the coil busts, they'll be dead in space. Mal says that it better not bust, then. He's totally going to be kicking himself six episodes ago."
-Shack on the Firefly pilot"Wesley's obsession with straight lines might explain his attraction to Fred."
-Strega, Angel"Ted says that if the kid has Mel's dick, they're in big trouble. Yeah, but it's not her dick you should worry about, it's her balls. And my theory is that somehow, she got Michael's."
-Camper, Queer as Folk US"...and we know it's Angel, because the way David Boreanaz plays good Angel is to have him look perpetually dazed, as if he's just run into a tree thirty seconds ago...."
-Sep, Buffy"After he hangs up, the camera follows his gaze downward to see the red strapless dress Ben is wearing. He makes a disgusted noise, as red does not suit him and he much prefers the mauve taffeta."
-Ace, Buffy, "I Was Made To Love You""Daphne asks if Brian said that he loved Justin. Justin says that Brian did say it...right before he came! The Gay Men/Straight Girl World Coalition falls out laughing, except for one girl in the corner, who sticks a finger in her Judith Krantz novel as a bookmark and mutters, 'I dunno. He might have meant it.' RedDev turns to me and says, 'Dude, did you invite her?'"
-Camper, Queer as Folk US"[Sweet says] he'll just kill Buffy and they'll call it even. She tells him that it 'won't help.' He's all, 'Your worldview violates my sense of Zen.'"
-Sep, Buffy, "Once More, With Feeling""You know, I've just realized that Skeet Ulrich is basically your poor man's Johnny Depp, who is of course your thinking man's Christian Slater, who may well be the easily-amused man's Ethan Hawke. Of course, they're all just pale imitations of Jack Nicholson, or at least of Jack Nicholson before he himself became a pale imitation of Jack Nicholson (with a girlfriend who's a pale imitation of a girl)."
-Aaron"Those commercials about drug money funding terrorism are true. These other commercials say so. Somebody needs to sit the folks at the Office of National Control Drug Control Policy down and explain to them all the concept of 'circular logic.' And also tell them that these two obnoxious men in their current ad make me want to inject heroin directly into my eyeballs."
-Shack"She inquires: 'Well, what do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you're eating in could just blow up without any warning?' Naturally, I can barely hear the response over the sound of my cranium being cracked open by the eighteen-wheeler full of anvils that just drove over me. Sam simply says: 'Israel.' Of course, while I'm digging said anvils out of my grey matter, I hold out the vague hope that he might also mention some of the other "societies" where the same is also true: England and Ireland, Egypt, Algeria, Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, Lebanon, Turkey, Afghanistan, etc. To name just a few. Oh, and Palestine and the Occupied Territories. No such luck: we're going to the next scene. Y'all spare a thought for all of those unfortunate places, and how we might have to put North America on that list in the near future, and I'll bandage my noggin."
-Deborah, The West Wing"Willow gives in to the suggestion and says she'll be 'okay,' but Ghost Of Cassie has gone all party-pooper and tells Willow that not only will she not be okay, but that she will also 'kill everybody.' Willow is appalled, because her favorite go-evil-and-kill-people outfit isn't back from the cleaners yet."
-Sep, Buffy, "Conversations With Dead People""Angel laughs, and Connor laughs exactly the same way. I like to imagine them practicing that. 'Hee hee hee!' 'No, more menacing, like this: heh heh heh.' 'Hah hah hah?' 'No, try again...'"
-Strega, Angel"Whatever happened to the Secret Love Of Margarita And Rob? I was on the edge of my seat with that one. Aside from the fact that I made it up, I thought it was really going somewhere."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"The Ironic Segue Fairy cuts to a sweaty, shirtless Angel. Willow wipes his forehead. It's a sweet gesture, and given the size of the forehead in question, above and beyond the call of duty."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Cordy interrupts: 'You two wanna pause the homoerotic buddy-cop session long enough to explain this?' And the forums go wild. At least, that's what I wrote in my notes. But they didn't, actually. Y'all are unpredictable sometimes."
-Strega, Angel"Johanna calls and says that, for once, she's glad Oz isn't around, because he'd probably be upset to discover that he's a figment of Buffy's imagination, a la 'Earshot'. I point out that he also wouldn't be very helpful in this situation, because if Buffy told him that everything in Sunnydale was the invention of a hallucinating nutcase, he'd probably say that explained a lot. And then he'd ask, 'Since when do you have a sister?'"
-Sep, Buffy, "Normal Again""In a Blair Witch Project moment, Simon unfolds the hankie, and Kaylee and Inara recoil at the sight of the ear. Jayne says something lengthy in Chinese. ('Does this mean we have to go running through the woods?')"
-Shack, Firefly"'They're all Slayers?' Dawn sniffs, clearly miffed that they have a mystical calling and all she has is shiny hair."
-Ace, Buffy"Connor starts to get up, insisting, 'I gotta stop it.' An earthquake? How, exactly? Plus, it seems to be over already. I don't think Connor should be living in Southern California when he's so jumpy."
-Strega, Angel"Buffy and Xander untie Andrew, because he's stinky and they don't have time to "baby-sit" him. I don't get that. Everything I remember from my babysitting days taught me that the little tykes are much easier to manage when they're tied up. Plus they look so cute when they fall asleep with the ropes half-gnawed away."
-Sep, Buffy"See, I just think this is just another double standard that is way too prevalent in our culture. If Nina were a man who was selling government secrets on the open market, he'd be considered a stud or a great businessman. Mason would totally give him a high five, and there'd be all this bragging in the locker room. But because Nina is a woman who sells information to the highest bidder -- who in this case are genocidal terrorists -- she's considered a prostitute. It's all about the Madonna/whore complex. You're either a virginal government worker who refrains from telling terrorists how to bomb governmental buildings, or you're this terrorist slut who is totally devalued and objectified. I just wish that someday society would become enlightened to the point where we could have TV shows that showed smart, sexy, successful women who betrayed their countries without having to apologize or pay some other price for not being barefoot and pregnant. It's a man's world. Don't get me started."
-Gustave, 24"Jayne's just a sucker for math humor."
-Shack, Firefly"[T]he situations on this show are so insane that it's hard to decide what constitutes rational behavior. You can't get very far in a sentence that starts, 'If I were a sexy yet troubled cat burglar with electro-powers and I was trying to help a vampire prevent Satan from turning the sun out...' before giving up."
-Strega, Angel"Dru, back at the tarot cards, says they need the key, which makes me shiver involuntarily. And then condition my hair."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"And he keeps licking his lips and leering at me. Stop it, dude! You're turning the eye-fucking into something dirty and wrong!"
-Shack, American Idol"I'd accept the curls [in Fred's hair] if she'd had her hair braided earlier and just undid it, but in her last scene it was straighter than...uh. It's hard to think of things that are straight while watching this show."
-Strega, Angel"The fish is like, 'I'm freeee!' and then it bonks into the side of the three-foot-square pen and bursts into tears."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically concludes, 'Who will join her this week?' In the hospital? Possibly Paula, if she doesn't get her meds under control, or Brian, if I ever get my hands on him."
-Shack, American Idol"And now the origin of Bringers has finally been explained. They're what happens when the ultimate force for evil and a mystical Seal named Danzig love each other very, very much..."
-Ace, Buffy"The plaintive flute of chopping off your evil girlfriend's head tweedles. There's a plaintive flute for everything."
-Strega, Angel"Not wanting to be too obvious with the clichés, the camera guys swoop over a windmill to illustrate the concept of 'Holland.' HAVE A TULIP! AND PERHAPS A DISEASED ELM!"
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"Buffy drops Andrew and tells him that the Seal 'didn't want blood. It wanted tears.' Thus proving that the Seal has a firm grasp of cliché and is rather smurfy under its gruff exterior."
-Ace, Buffy"Wow. According to the credits, there's an actor named Maximillian Martini who just joined the cast. Do you get beaten up in grade school with a name like Maximillian Martini, or do you get laid at an unusually young age?"
-Gustave, 24"Ted goes on that he doesn't want to overstep his bounds, but 'right is right.' I believe Glark recently referred to such leadoff disclaimers that are immediately contradicted as something like 'the mating call of the disingenuous.' He's got recapper in him, that Glark."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Gina observes, 'You love [Fred] very much. Both of you.' Nuh-uh! Gunn loves Gwen! Or, depending on how much beer I've had, me!"
-Strega, Angel"She asks, 'Don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?' Isn't it creepy when the characters talk directly to you? I feel so cheap now."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Your meek and mute acceptance of this arbitrary and tyrannical decision is appreciated."
-Demian"BuffJon cackles at her discomfort. 'Welcome to Bombay,' he says, apparently of the opinion that when the British name you, you stay named."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"[Cordelia] wink-winks to Xander: 'His body could fall out of a closet somewhere, so we should check some closets, to see if he's in...a closet.' I don't know about Mr. Whitmore, but you might find Subtlety's corpse in there. Or you might just find Larry."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Previously on You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone (They Paved Paradise And Put Up Arsenio Hall): New York, Johannesburg, Paris, Casablanca, Bangkok, Munich, Rio, Lisbon, Beijing, Hong Kong, Seattle, Singapore, London, Tunis, Aberdeen, San Francisco, Agra, Rome, Sao Paolo, Cape Town, Delhi, Fez, Honolulu, Ho Chi Minh City, Marrakech, Sydney, Auckland, Zurich. Three million bucks. Thirty-four teams. A hundred twenty thousand miles. One deceptively studly Kiwi."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race (what else?)"Xander blocks his path, but Angelus asks if he thinks he could stop him from getting into Buffy's room. They're seriously standing close enough to kiss. Back up a bit, manly men."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Those two guys in the audience holding Trenyce signs are terribly hot. I think they're also taken. With each other. Yes, I'm now outing members of the audience. Consider yourselves warned."
-Shack, American Idol"A couple of random girls snicker at Xander. Shut up, Random Girls. I know I crack on him all the time, but I consider him family. Plus, I get paid for it."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Josh, on the other hand, is a reminder that you should always read care labels, because Elvis Costello is clearly marked dry clean only, and if you put him in the dryer, this is what happens."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"He looks up to see Oz, who promptly punches him. A testosterone-fueled display from Oz! How cute!"
-Couch Baron, Buffy"Phil walks over toward the edge of the building he's standing on. Phil, don't do it! You have so much to live for! Fortunately, Phil does not jump. That was almost a really sad and abrupt ending there. I really don't want the first Roadblock to involve helping wash Phil off the sidewalk."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"Angelus breathes that he feels very close to Xander. I'm not jumping to slash. I took a tiny step, and there slash was."
-Couch Baron, Buffy"The First continues, 'Buffy's dangerous. If you're not careful, she'll destroy you.' Oh! I know the answer to this one! Buffy won't hurt anyone! She has a sooooouuul now."
-Ace, Buffy"Inside, the Wig Guy who I guess is supposed to be playing Beethoven hands them the route marker. 'Nice to meet you! Like your music!' Kelly says. Heee hee. That was cute. Of course, as forum poster El Guapo pointed out, it's not like he could hear her."
-Miss Alli, The Amazing Race"[Josh, h]olding up a finger: 'What's Islamic extremism? It's strict adherence to a particular interpretation of seventh-century Islamic law, as practiced by the Prophet Muhammad.'
"No, actually it's bloody well not. Here's the precise moment this show lost me and betrayed its complete lack of understanding of the situation. The forms of Islam practiced by the Taliban in particular and so-called Islamic extremists in general have, in every case, little or absolutely nothing at all to do with how Islam was practiced during the lifetime of the Prophet Muhammad. It is completely and utterly ignorant and uninformed to assert otherwise, whether that assertion is coming from somebody who works for CNN or some guy who's the Mullah of Wherever. I simply do not have the space and time to go into it in great detail here, but a few highlights of how Islam was practiced by the Prophet and the earliest converts to Islam: Muslim women were probably the first in the history of the world to receive the legal right to vote. They fought in wars, spoke in public, ran businesses, taught, participated fully in life. Islam helped put a stop to the female infanticide that was occurring in Arabia at the time. The concept of woman as responsible for man's downfall as in the Adam and Eve story does not exist in Islam, although the first man and woman are part of God's revelation to Muslims. Islam requires men and women to be equally educated. The Prophet preached peace, tolerance, kindness, patience, forgiveness, and mercy. You tell me if that sounds like the societies you hear about, or which Josh describes. The people he's talking about are certainly extremists, and they most likely consider themselves exemplary Muslims, but Baruch Goldstein probably considered himself an exemplary Jew, too, and I don't know that that makes him one. We either need a better word for these types than 'Islamic extremists,' or we need to learn a great deal more about what Islam is and isn't, so that when the term is used, people will have some grasp of how far beyond the pale these murderous zealots are. And the same goes for an understanding of what Islamic fundamentals actually are: otherwise, it's not meaningful to refer to people as Islamic fundamentalists; they're just buzzwords that promote bigotry."
-Deborah Birkett, The West Wing
Email: panthea@populli.net