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Due South

FBI guy: "Who's that?"
Welsh: "He's a Mountie."
FBI guy: "What's he doing here?"
Welsh: "Never entirely sure."

"It was an otter, I was 10, it was dead, somebody hit me with it. Can we move on?"
-Benton Fraser

"The Canadian? The Canadian is the killer? Oh, that's so un-Canadian."
-Ray Vecchio

Fraser: "When I first came to Chicago, I felt like I was from another planet."
Ray Kowalski: "Which you are."
Fraser: "Which I've come to accept."

"Oh, there you are. Ran out of donuts, did we?"
-Fraser to Dief

Fraser: "You ran away but you brought your dress uniform with you?"
Buck Frobisher: "No, I rented it. If we don't catch him by Tuesday, I have to pay extra."

FBI guy: "We asked for his help. We didn't ask him to kidnap the guy!"
St. Laurent: "Is that how the FBI finds all their criminals? By relying on helpful Canadians?"
Vecchio: "Well, it seems to have worked so far."

Fraser: "Whoever invented pantyhose should be brought up on charges... cruelty, sadism, and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places."
Vecchio: "Well, most people who wear them don't have those places."
Fraser: "Oh dear, I've got a run."

"Your car is on fire. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened."

"Mom, how you've changed! ...into Cuban cigars."

Fraser: "Sorry, wrong sandwich."
Kowalski: "What was that?"
Fraser: "Window putty."
Kowalksi: "What else you got? You got any pastrami?"

Fraser: "My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray."
Vecchio: "You father never shut up, did he?"
Fraser: "He said, 'A man with no future will always run to his past.'"
Vecchio: "And when did this come up, Fraser? Were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things or did he come running into your room and just blurt 'em out?"
Fraser: "Ray, there's no need to be sarcastic."
Vecchio: "No, I'm just curious. How did he work these things into every day conversation? Did he say, 'Son, did you see the size of that moose, and by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past'?"

Stanley Smith: "You guys for real?"
Kowalski: "Hey! We ask the tough questions around here."

"Oh, good. I'm glad you brought that up. Would you please tell my why, exactly, it is that We Must Always Get Our Man?"
-a cranky Fraser to his father

"Damn it, Fraser, if you were gonna drop a guy, you gotta say something first, like, 'Ray, I'm gonna drop ya.'"
-Kowalski's basic lessons of etiquette

Fraser: "You recorded that conversation?"
Vecchio: "Yeah, it's a new policy. Anytime I go anywhere with you I record everything. Mainly because if I have to go to court, no jury will ever believe the damn things that come out of your mouth."

Kowalski: "Routine is the silent killer."
Fraser: "I thought that was high blood pressure."
Kowalski: "Nah, we changed that."
Fraser: "When?"
Kowalski: "When you were on vacation."

Vecchio: "Is that the same let they shot you in the last time?"
Fraser: "Yes."
Vecchio: "Same leg they stabbed you in?"
Fraser: "Yes, Ray."
Vecchio: "Your country give you a medal for getting wounded like that?"
Fraser: "No, not that I'm aware of."
Vecchio: "Then I think you should have this." [Gives Fraser a note]
Fraser: [reading] "'Please shoot other leg.' Well, that's just not amusing, Ray."

"We got proof, Fraser, you smelled the dog. Smelled the dog... Fraser, I think I've been working with you too long."

"Okay, I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogation."
-Vecchio re: the dead-and-buried criminal guy

Kowalski: "What is this?"
Fraser: "Food, Ray. Good, hearty food. Just the thing after a long day's work."
Kowalski: "They come with instructions?"
Fraser: "Open mouth, put in."

Fraser: "They tried to cut off my boots."
Vecchio: "No!"
Fraser: "Right up the side. I wouldn't let them."
Vecchio: "Well, I don't blame you. Lose a leg, sure, but a good pair of boots isn't easy to replace."

"Oh yeah, this makes sense. We got half the police department after this guy, but is he going to worry about it? No, he's got two limping Mounties on his tail."

"I thought I was in love once. And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance... We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights. It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life. But in the end I realized I'd learned two things. The first is... that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone, and the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air. Well, I also learned that I should have my ears checked more regularly."

Fraser: "Ready?"
Vecchio: "Ask me again and I set you on fire. We agreed; you're in charge of being blind and I'm in charge of seeing."

Kowalski: "You admit that I'm right or I'll pop you in the head!"
Fraser: "We're not dealing with logic here, are we?"

Fraser: "He claims to have had an altercation... with a floor."
Welsh: "Any particular type of floor?"
Fraser: "Interlocking linoleum, I believe."
Welsh: "Oh, yeah, yeah. They can very tricky."

"Sir! We have no need for your pants!"
-Fraser, being reassuring as usual

Bob Fraser: "The bastard is in there bragging how he had me killed, and all I ask is that you do one small thing for me... shoot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death. Think of it as a son's gift to his father! You did forget my birthday."
Benton Fraser: "You were dead!"
Bob: "Still, one can have feelings. Not even a card!"
Fraser: "I am not going to shoot him!"
Bob: "Well, now you're being silly. Here, use mine. They won't be able to trace it."
Fraser: "Dad, we've been through all this. That is an imaginary gun. It fires imaginary bullets."
Bob: "Well, it wouldn't hurt to try, son. Go on, pump a dozen into his torso. If it doesn't kill him, maybe he'll have a heart attack."
Fraser: "All right. You want me to try?" [takes gun, shoots three lamps, nothing happens] "Satisfied?"
Bob: "All right, point taken. Grab the lamp and crack his skull. Make it look like a freak lighting accident."
Fraser: "Freak lighting accident?"
Bob: "Sure. Happens all the time."

"You ever feel like you don't know who y'are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that somebody wasn't around you, that you wouldn't be you. Or at least not the you that you think you are. You know, you ever feel like that?"
-Kowalski describes his relationship with Fraser


Seamus Harper: "We have nothing in common. Why do I worship you?"
Beka Valentine: "Uncharacteristic bout of good taste."

Harper: "It's half mystical mumbo-jumbo, half putrid poetry, and half bad math."
Rommie: "That's three halves."
Harper: "Like I said, bad math."

Rommie: "You know what it is I really want?"
Tyr Anasazi: "An avatar unencumbered by cleavage?"

"Oh good. Insanity I can deal with. Maybe I'll go to hydroponics afterwards and run through the sprinklers."

Rommie: "Harper, I had no idea you were such a cunning linguist."
Harper: "Love speaks in all tongues, baby."

"I can usually spot a planet. They're large. I have good eyes."

"Is this the part where we bravely run away?"

"Whoever told you that sarcasm is a desirable feature in a ship was sadly misinformed."
-Tyr to Andromeda

"We came, we saw, we got spanked."

"I could say the talks with the fish people are floundering... but that would be wrong."

"The deck drips with the guts of the unworthy melons. I have given life and form to the first time traveling fruit in the history of the universe!"

Phillip Kim: "You-- you're--"
Rommie: "Oh, an android? Thanks, I knew that."

"Oh great. Disembodied voices, and nothing to send them."

"All right. We need a plan. You! Come up with one, now!"

"I'll say this for the old Commonwealth: when it comes to formal dinnerware, you guys rule."

"I try not to dwell on what's right and what's wrong. It slows my processors."

"Damn, I'm God!"

"You see? Not only is there a Divine, but he has a sense of humor!"
-Rev Bem

"Oh, Andromeda, am I glad to see me!"
-Rommie, expressing a slight identity crisis

Harper: "God hates me."
Trance Gemini: "Don't take it personally."

"Excitable little fellow, isn't he?"
-Charlemagne Bolivar re: Harper

"Now I know why people hate me."
-Harper, after meeting his computer construct self

"Granted, the Kodiak were strong, healthy, attractive-- and such imaginative hairstyles...."

"Bite me, me."
-Harper to his computer self

"Run, shoot; run, shoot; run, shoot. Who am I kidding? Run."
-Beka debating the obvious

Bolivar: "Your timing is improbable."
Tyr: "You're welcome."

"I told myself to watch out for you. I wish I'd listened."
-Harper to Trance

"Enlighten you? The Divine is good, don't do flash, and if you're nice to people, they probably still won't be nice to you. Now run along, Daddy's working."
-Harper's Lessons of the Universe

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but are we actually winning?"

"Anything else I can do for you? Transmute the elements? Reverse entropy? Make you a sandwich?"

"Now can we blow them up?"

"I guess it's true what they say. No matter how powerful you are, there's always someone bigger and stronger than you. I just never thought it applied to me!"

"Tyr, you're here! I can't believe it! You're back! And your front!"

Tyr: "What do you want?"
Bolivar: "Oh, the usual. Hundreds of grandchildren, the domination of known space, and the knowledge that all of my enemies have died in painful, highly improbable accidents that can't be traced to me."

"Come on! You know I'm diplomacy-challenged! I make fish angry!"

Beka: "Desk job. Orbital bus driver. Prison guard!"
Tyr: "What are you doing?"
Beka: "Reviewing all the jobs I could be doing other than putting my ass on the line every day!"
Tyr: [amused] "Yet here you are."

Rommie: "Well, Tyr, if I ate food, you'd be wearing it right now."
Tyr: "Lovely imagery. And they say A.I.s have no poetry in their souls."
Rommie: "Nope, no poetry, but we're hell on wheels with a dirty limerick. Wanna hear one? 'There once was a man from Nan--'"

"Dammit, boss, I'm an engineer, not a babysitter!"

"I had an epiphany like that once. Then I mercilessly beat someone until it went away."

Dylan: "Strange."
Harper: "What? Us standing here over a dead Nietzschean on ice? Yeah, it's strange. But it's also kinda nice, isn't it?"

Beka: "The suspense is killing me."
Tyr: "The suspense isn't what's going to kill you."
Harper: "Yeah, well, the suspense already owes me a new pair of shorts."

"I don't suppose you have any witty but only marginally helpful bon mots to offer."
-Gaheris Rhade

Harper: "I mean, come on, love is just a bunch of exaggerations and lies, all dolled up in pseudo-poetic language, uttered preferably while intoxicated, and all for the singular, universal purpose of... uh, you know."
Trance: "Harper, you're a born romantic."
Harper: "Sometimes there are flowers."

Beka: "Where did you get the candles?"
Tyr: "I rendered them from the fat of my enemies."

Harper: "Do you believe in ghosts?"
Trance: "I don't believe that there couldn't be ghosts."
Harper: "Oh great. In lieu of a parachute, here's a hanky."

Beka: "Authorization code 'shut up and do what I tell you!'"
Eureka Maru computer: "Authorization confirmed."

Rev Bem: [watching a solar storm approach the ship] "Magnificent."
Tyr: "I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

"Exactly where on the body is the moneymaker located?"

"I'm not deprived, I'm depraved."

[after finding many decapitated bodies there] "I say we forget the Rock of Refuge. Badly named."

Tyr: "Shall we dance, Master Harper?"
Harper: "You do care."

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed."

"She's not the descendant of a long line of mystical warriors. She's the descendant of a toaster oven."
-Anya re: the Buffybot

"If the Apocalypse comes, beep me."

"And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?"
-Xander, to Willow

Xander: "Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?"
Giles: "Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense."
Xander: "Okay, but you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here."

Oz: "So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?"
Willow: "Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun."

"Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea...."
-Spike to Giles

Buffy: "Don't take this the wrong way, but" [punches Spike in the nose] "what are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: "Out... for... a... walk. Bitch."

"We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!"
-Xander to Buffy

"Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah, blah, blah. The next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em, you start going, 'My goodness, young lady, maybe you're doing something wrong here too.'"

Cordelia: "Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally, I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...."
Buffy: "Cordy! Get out of my shoes!"

"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, uh, I've learned to be afraid."

"You guys are a hoot and a half. I mean, if I'd had friends like you in high school, I... probably still would've dropped out. But I might have been sad about it, you know?"

Buffy: "Something's weird."
Oz: "Something's not?"

"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

Xander: "What do I have?"
Oz: "An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special."
Xander: "Now with the mocking."

Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley!"
Xander: "Uh... inbreeding?"

Xander: "Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. Do we, A, congratulate ourselves on a job well done...?"
Willow: "Xander, this isn't zombies."
Anya: "Zombies don't eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie masters. Lots of people get that wrong."

"Oh no, please, call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father."
-Jenny Calendar (hee)

"Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint."

Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan."
Oz: "We could attack the Mayor with hummus."
Cordelia: "...I stand corrected."
Oz: "Just keeping things in perspective."
Cordelia: "Thank you."

Giles: "Does this look familiar to either of you?"
Buffy: "Yeah, sure. It looks like a book."
Xander: "I knew that one."

"That's great-- I kill 'em, you fence their stuff."

Willow: "The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that?"
Oz: "I don't know. I always go straight to the obits."

"You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You... stomp. Or yodel."
-Buffy to Angel

"We made a demon? ...Bad us."

Tara: "Those boys really thought I was hot?"
Willow: "Entirely!"
Tara: "Oh my God! I'm cured! I want the boys!"

Buffy: "Speak English! Not whatever they speak in, um...."
Giles: "England?"

"I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"

"I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away."

"Who died and made you the Iron Chef?"
-Dawn Summers

Giles: "It appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."

"We like to talk big, vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world'... that's just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people... billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Good-bye Picadilly, farewell Leicester bloody Square, you know?"

"I was being patient! But it took too long!"
-Anya's philosophy of life

"God, I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it!"

"Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious."

Xander: "Respect the cruller... and tame the doughnut!"
Anya: "That's still funny, sweetie."

Buffy: "I'm just afraid this whole session's gonna turn into some training montage from an '80's movie."
Giles: "Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie down till they go away."

"Randy": "I'm a hero, really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life, and then to rise above it, to seek out better, nobler things- it's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us- natural enemies thrown together, to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me-"
"Joan": "Depends on how long you keep on yapping."

"But I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal."
-Buffy on her post-mortem bankruptcy

"That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky. And I think I'm kind of gay."

Three seasons later....
Amnesiac!Dawn: "How are you?"
Ditto!Willow: "A little confused. I mean, I'm all sweaty, and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... and I think I'm kinda gay."

Amnesiac!Spike: "Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... bloody hell. Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks-- oh, god, I'm English."
Ditto!Giles: "Welcome to the nancy tribe."

Buffy: "How've you been?"
Amy: "Rat. You?"
Buffy: "Dead."
Amy: "Oh."

"So. Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday."
-Buffy, hammering at the fourth wall

Tara: [re: Buffy's basement] "How's it looking down there?"
Xander: "Like we should start gathering up two of every animal."

"I lost a friend tonight, I may lose more, the whole earth could be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho?!"
-Buffy to Spike

Buffy: "Oh! I know this one: 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.'"
Giles: "It's as if you know me."

"Those who can, do. Those who can't laugh at those who can do."

"Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish."

Buffy: "I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?"
Xander: "The important thing is, you believe that."

"I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!"

"You are strange and off-putting. Go now."
-Dracula to Xander

Buffy: "So, a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?"
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."

Willow: "If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, 'La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's.'"
Buffy: "Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that."
Riley: "Really? I will."

"On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me."
-Xander to Willow

Giles: "I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-- I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out."
Buffy: "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
Giles: "Well, it did seduce me. All red and sporty...."
Buffy: "Little two-door tramp!"

Buffy: "I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening, if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it!"
Xander: "...Yay?"

"And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

Buffy: [laughing hysterically] "Harmony has minions?"
Xander: "Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction."
Buffy: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just... Harmony has minions!"
Xander: "And ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this."
Buffy: "I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing."

"Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say!"

Xander: "Hey, wait till you have an evil twin! See how you handle it!"
Willow: "...I handled it fine...."

Security guard: "Miss, if you're looking for one of those rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. I chased a bunch of kids out of here last night."
Buffy: "Oh. Right. Yeah. Darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the bundt cake."

Buffy: "You want to take Tara out of here against her will, you gotta come through me."
Dawn: "And me."
Tara's Dad: "Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls."
Dawn: "You don't want to mess with us."
Buffy: "She's a hair-puller."
Giles: "And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
Xander: "You're dealing with all of us."
Spike: "'Cept me."
Xander: "'Cept Spike."
Spike: "I don't care what happens."

Buffy: "I'd like to find Willow and Xander."
Joyce: "Will you be slaying?"
Buffy: "Only if they give me lip."

Random Watcher: "This statue... its removal from Burma is a criminal offense, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs."
Giles: "In that case, I severely underpriced it."

Random Watcher #2: "I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you- your relationship, whatever you can tell me."
Tara: "Our relationship?"
Willow: "We're friends."
Tara: "Good friends."
Willow: "Girlfriends, actually."
Tara: "Yes, we're girlfriends."
Willow: "We're in love. We're lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers."
RW#2: "I meant your relationship with the Slayer."
Tara: "Um... just good friends."

"Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... ze other axe."

Spike: "Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."
Joyce: "Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?"
Spike: "Oh, no, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake."

Tara: "Willow's good with all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?"
Anya: "Oh, well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, 'Whoa, I'm 1100 years old.' I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."

"She's a sexbot! I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything...." [pause] "Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it."

Dawn: "Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?"
Buffy: "You are. A very short, annoying man."

Anya: "She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely."
Xander: "Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl."

"I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."

"Robots are the strangest people."

"Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honking menorah...."

"I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this! I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why!"

Spike: "I'm not a monster."
Xander: "Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them."
Spike: "Well, yeah. You got me there."

"Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid."

"What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?"
-Glory re: Spike

Xander: "Hey, I happen to be...."
Spike: "... a glorified bricklayer?"
Xander: "I'm also a swell bowler."
Anya: "Has his own shoes!"
Spike: "The gods themselves do tremble."

"Nothing says 'thank you' like dollars in the waistband."
-Xander, speaking from experience

"To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie."
-Anya explains Thanksgiving

Xander: [re: Oz's Halloween "costume"] "Of course! I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God!"
Oz: "Blasphemer."

"Is everybody here very stoned?"

Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon."
Xander: "Why, can it hurt me?"
Giles: "No. It's just... tacky."

Buffy: "Sarcasm accomplishes nothing, Giles."
Giles: "It's sort of an end in itself."

"I believe that's the dance of a brave little toaster."

Spike: "You made a bear!"
Buffy: "I didn't mean to!"
Spike: "Undo it! Undo it!"

Buffy: "I've been looking for you."
Faith: "I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?"

"Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!"

Anya: "Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!"
Spike: "Hey, yeah, I did. I scared you! Gimme money."
Anya: "I'm not paying you for scaring me!"
Spike: "You're not paying me, I'm robbing you."
Anya: "Oh, well, that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine."

"Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks."

"I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But.... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open."
-Spike, talking himself out of saving the day

Cheese Man: "I wear the cheese. It does not wear me."
Giles: "Honestly, you meet the most appalling sort of people."

Buffy: "He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or if you ever wanted to be a florist."
Willow: "Ooh, I used to want... wait, florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that."

Spike: "What are you doing? You brought me here?"
Xander: "Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?"
Spike: "That's what I said. Only I hit the 'here' part."

"It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did you?"

"You know... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?"

Anya: "Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning."
Xander 1: "She's joking."
Xander 2: "No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong. And it would be very confusing."
Giles: "We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk."
Willow: "Check. Candles and pretense."

Spike: "Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?"
Giles: "We few, we happy few..."
Spike: "...we band of buggered."

"It was like we were being watched! Like there was a wall missing from our apartment! Like there were only three walls and not a fourth one!"

From the "Normal Again" shooting script:
Buffy: "I could wrestle naked in grease for a living and still be cleaner than after a shift at the Doublemeat."
Willow: "Plus, I'd visit you at work every single day."

"Aha! A curse on Slayers. Oh, no, wait. It's lawyers."

"I have nothing but respect for a woman who's forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue what was going on in front of her, but, she was straight about it."

"Boys, if you don't knock it off, I will pull this car over, and you can just walk to your painful deaths from here."

from the "Beauty and the Beasts" shooting script:
Scott: "Okay. Topics to avoid. The little men that live in your teeth... your compulsion to paint circus clowns...."
Buffy: "But if God keeps telling me to kill, it just seems snotty not to, you know?"

Ethan: "Brilliant! Now isn't this more fun than kicking my ass?"
Giles: "No."
Ethan: "Oh. It's more fun for me."

Giles: "We gotta face it, we've changed. Well, not you... you're still sadistic and self-centered."
Ethan: [toasting himself] "Here's to me."

"Are ya keepin' up, or do you need some kind of English-to-constant-pain-in-my-ass translation?"
-Xander, to Spike


"My parents were great. Tasted a lot like chicken."

Cordelia: "What's her deal? To much, uh," [makes a drinking motion]
Doyle: "Thumb sucking?"
Cordelia: "Alcohol!"
Doyle: "Don't look at me like that. I'm not the one who needs to brush up on her finger pantomime."

"There are three things I don't do: tan, date, and sing in public."

Angel: "I had to sing Barry Manilow."
Faith: "You're kidding."
Angel: "In front of people."
Faith: "And here I am complaining about my petty little problems."

Lorne: "We gotta keep a low profile."
Angel: "Why?"
Lorne: "'Cause otherwise we might get beaten to death with sticks."

Fred: "Who's Darla?"
Gunn: "Angel's old flame from way back."
Fred: "Not the one who died?"
Gunn: "Yeah... no, not that one. The other one that died and came back to life. She's a vampire."
Fred: "Do y'all have a chart or something?"
Gunn: "In the files, I'll get it for you later."

Lilah: "Mind if I join you?"
Welsey: "On many levels and with great intensity."

"Someone's gotta make sure he knows the facts of life. My track record with the whole man-woman thing isn't, you know- I don't wanna use the words 'tragic farce,' but...."
-Angel, on his son's, er, education

Angel: "I didn't kill him."
Cordelia: "Maybe you're growing as a person."

Angel: "Miss me?"
Lilah: "Only in the sense of... no."

"Hey, here's a funny sidebar: I'm tied to a chair. AGAIN!"

"I know you've been out of the loop for a while, but I'm still evil. I don't do errands." [pause] "Unless they're evil errands."

Lilah: "You know, Angel, coming from you, idle threats are so, well... idle."
Angel: "Do you remember when I ripped your car in half?"
Lilah: [unimpressed] "Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash."


"'Yes, yes, this is a fertile land and we will thrive! We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land!' 'I think we should call it your grave!' 'Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!'"
-Wash, playing with his dinosaurs

Zoe: "I know something ain't right."
Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything was right, we'd be in jail."

"We gotta share this job! Ten percent of nothin' is-- lemme do the math here-- nothin', then a nothin', carry the nothin'--"

Book: "Captain, you mind if I say grace?"
Mal: "Only if you say it out loud."

"Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?"

"Well, you know what they say. History is programmed by the winners."

"Mercy, forgiveness, trust... those are things he left back there. All he has now is this ship."
-Zoe, re: Mal (from the original pilot)

Mal: "So I've given Jayne here the job of finding out."
Jayne: "He was non-specific as to how."
Mal: [sotto voce] "Now, you only gotta scare him."
Jayne: [same] "...Pain is scary."

"Now here's a little concept I been workin' on: why don't we shoot her first?"

Mal: "Well, you were right about this bein' a bad idea."
Zoe: "Thanks for saying, sir."

"I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character, so let me make this abundantly clear: I do the job. And then I get paid."

"Why didn't you turn on me, Jayne?"
"Money wasn't good enough."
"What happens when it is?"
"Well... that'll be an interesting day."
-Mal and Jayne

"I'm confused. No, wait, I- I think maybe you're confused."

"They tell you never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion, hilarious."

"What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"
"That it was manly and impulsive?"
"Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, 'Don't.'"
-Inara and Mal

"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
-Zoe to Mal

"This job, I would pull for free."
"Then can I have your share?"
"If you die, can I have your share?"
-Mal and Zoe

"These are stone killers, little man. They're not cuddly like me."

"Whatever happens, remember I love you."
"Because you're my wife."
"Right. Sir. Honey."
-Mal and Zoe

"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"

"No one's gonna hurt you." [punches the guy] "Any more than we already did."

"Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation."
"It does? That's discouraging."
-Captain Whoever and Mal

"You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war."
"Fought with a lot of people in the war."
"And your husband?"
"Fight with him sometimes too."
-Captain W. and Zoe

"If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

"So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?"
"Tactics, woman! I needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole... airflow."
"And you'd know that because...?"
"You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery."
"Oh, let's keep it that way."
-Inara and Mal

Saffron: "I don't please you?"
Mal: "You can't please me, you never met me-- Zoe, why do I have a wife?"
Jayne: "You got a wife? All I got was that dumb-ass stick sounds like it's raining. How come you get a wife?"

Zoe: "Everybody, I want you all to meet... Mrs. Reynolds."
Kaylee: [gasps] "You got married?"
Simon: "Well, that's, uh... congratulations."
Wash: "We'd always hoped you two kids would get together-- who is she?"

"Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster."
-Kaylee re: Mal

Mal: "I'm sorry. You have very nice qualities, but... I didn't ever marry you."
Book: "I believe you did. Last night."
Mal: [sotto voce] "How drunk was I last night?"
Jayne: [same] "I don't know, I passed out."

"I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump."
"No one's saying that, sir."
"No, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly."
-Mal, Zoe, Wash

"Can I come in?"
"See, that's why I usually don't ask."
"What do you want?"
"Oh, I just needed to... hide."
-Mal and Inara

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
-Mal, to Jayne

"Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God, baby geese- goslings. They were juggled."
"Of course. The man rushes in to defend her."
"...I'm talking about geese."
-Wash and Zoe

"Do I wish I was somebody else right now, someone not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky...."
-Wash, reacting to Saffron's advances

"If she can fly this thing, why'd she take the shuttle?"
"Maybe she likes shuttles." [off incredulous looks] "Some people juggle geese!"
-Zoe and Wash

Kaylee: "It was your big make-out session that got us into this, sir."
Mal: "I was poisoned!"
Inara: "You were drugged."
Jayne: "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."

"But she was naked! And all... articulate."
"Okay! Everybody not taking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere."
-Mal and Wash

"Have good sex!"
-Kaylee to Inara

"My god- you're like a trained ape. Without the training."
-Simon, to Jayne

"There ain't a one of us looks the part more than the good doctor. I mean, the pretty fits: soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over-"
"All right, fine! I'll go! Just... stop describing me."
-Mal and Simon

"I think they captured him, though- you know, captured his essence."
"Looks sort of angry, don't he?"
"That's kind of what I meant."
-Wash and Kaylee, re: Jayne's statue

"You really think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?"
"You better laugh when you say that."
-Jayne and Mal

"I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me! Jayne Cobb!"
"I know your name, jackass!"
-Jayne and Mal

"Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun."

"This is, uh- How did- how did you know? River, did you...?"
"'Day' is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable."
[everyone looks at her]
"I didn't get you anything."
-Simon and River, on Simon's birthday

"Let's say you did kill us- or didn't. There could be torture, whatever. Anyhow-"
-Mal, negotiating

"Is that him?"
"That's the buffet table."
"Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it?"
-Kaylee and Mal

"Mercy is the mark of a great man." [stab] "Guess I'm just a good man." [stab] "Well, I'm all right."

"See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown."

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."
-Harrow and Mal

"We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op."
"I was gonna watch. Very exciting."
-Jayne and Wash

"Could've been meditatin' on the wonders of your rock garden by now."
"Beats just sittin'."
"It is just sitting."
-Mal, Jayne, Wash

"You know, it's all very sweet- stealing from the rich... selling to the poor-"

"You called the feds."
"What? I got pinched!"
"Which is what happens when you call the feds."
-Mal and Jayne

"Yes, I'd forgotten, you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?"
"No, but I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."
-Book and Simon

"Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. Shut up!"

"Okay, um. I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed. So if you two have something that you need to work out-"

"I think this is not enough. Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps, for one. Ahh, you now have-"
[points to Wash] "Him." [long pause] "I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you want to finish?"
-Niska and Zoe

"We're getting him back!"
"What are we gonna do, clone 'im?"
-Zoe and Jayne, after Zoe brings back Mal's ear

Mal: "Didja tell her?"
Wash: "Tell her what?"
Mal: "Your husband has demanded that we sleep together."
Zoe: "Really."
Wash: "What? Mal, come on."
Mal: "He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections."
Wash: "No! That was the torture talking, remember? The torture?"
Mal: "I know it's a difficult mission, but... you and I... have to get it on."
Zoe: "I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard."
Jayne: [walking in] "Well, something about that is just downright unsettlin'."


"Well, I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own."
-John Crichton

D'Argo: "Do not mock me."
John: "D'Argo, I mock all of us."

Aeryn: "Can you hand me that axe?"
John: "Yeah... what are you going to do with it?"
Aeryn: "Hack my foot off."
John: "Oh, in that case, let me."

"You certainly look dead to me. I don't know your customs for these situations, but I'll give it a shot. Ahem... John Crichton, valued friend- now, wait a minute. That's a bit of a stretch. John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate, may you have safe journey to our hallowed realm.... Actually, not our hallowed realm, that's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm! ...With the ceremony of passage complete, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself."
-Rygel to John's body

"Strange. I miss Moya. A ship full of aliens becomes so normal...."

John: "That's my underwear!"
Aeryn: [looking at the label] "What does this say?"
John: "Calvin."
Aeryn: "Then it's not yours."

John: "Astro! Work now, freak later."
Stark: "Yes. That's fair."
John: "Good."
Stark: "How much later?"

"Help! Help! A mad Delvian exhibitionist is forcing herself on me! Visually!"

Zhaan: "I have always wondered what could be beyond height, width, depth and time...."
John: "Nausea."

Rygel: "I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way my feet stay warm and my sleep stays uninterrupted."
John: "Wives, plural?" [slaps Rygel's palm] "Big fella!"

Aeryn: "You are mentally damaged!"
John: "No, I'm a guy."

"Hang tough, Sparky. Enjoy the personality."
-John to Rygel

Chiana: "Do you know any good jokes?"
John: "Not besides the one I'm living."

"Ugh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone!"

Stark: [to a blinded Crais] "Let me be your eye!"
Rygel: "Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind!"

John: "When the chip was pulled, a chunk of Scorpius' personality was left behind."
"Jack": "A neural clone?"
John: "You could call it that. I call it, uh, Harvey."

Crais: "What can you see?"
Stark: "Damage, damage, damage!"
Crais: "Whatever would I do without your verbal skills?"
Stark: "Oh, you want more words? Well, the conduits are damaged, bulkheads are damaged, the external sensors are damaged too! There is nothing that is not damaged!"
Crais: "Least of all you!"
Stark: "I can see!"
Crais: "If only you could think!"

John: "Furlow, is it always about the money?"
Furlow: "Is there anything else? I mean, how much sex can ya have?"
John: "I don't know; I haven't maxed out yet."

"Don't be a hero, John. Always be the one to walk away while the hero dies. That's my motto."

D'Argo: "See plant, kill plant."
John: "That's gotta be on the Luxan coat of arms."

Clam doc: "The problem is, you are not mollusks!"
D'Argo: "That's never been a problem for us before."

"If this goes bad, please die first so my last moments can be joyous!"
-Rygel to Scorpius

"What is it with Peacekeepers? First they hunt us, then they want to move in. What, are we a bed-and-breakfast? Is there a sign outside that says 'Free HBO'?"

John: "D, we may have to stick Granny in a home."
D'Argo: "I think we should burn her."
John: "You burn your old folks?"
D'Argo: "No, just... sounded like a good idea."

D'Argo: "What's your idea?"
John: "All right, here's the thing. I think that we ambush the escort, we hit him with a rock, and we take his belt."
D'Argo: "That is your plan?"
John: "Yeah."
D'Argo: "To hit him with a rock? When they have these, like, shield things?"
John: "The shields work against pulse energy. They don't work against other things, we saw the guy get burnt."
D'Argo: "Yeah, but not by a rock."

The Invisible Man

"I'm not that brave or that stupid!"
"That's true. You're a very bright coward."
-Arnaud and Darien

"You know what the difference is between me and you?"
"Oh yeah, I know this one: you're nuts."
-Bobby Hobbes and Darien Fawkes

"Okay, Mr. Smug, I'm only gonna ask this once, 'cause it sounds stupid. Um... where are the cows?"

"Somehow your pain sort of... eases me. Puts me at ease."
"I'm glad. I think."
-Bobby and Darien

"Didn't you have any invisible friends when you were a kid?"
"I had invisible enemies."
-Darien and Bobby

"It's a very effective way to win an argument. I suggest you try it sometime."
-Arnaud, after shooting his opponent in said argument

"By the way, I want my tombstone to say, 'Too late, he's already dead.' You know, just in case more people show up wanting to screw my life over."

"He's just ticked off 'cause he's a sequel."
-Hobbes re: Darien

"Oh man, I just had the worst nightmare." [sees Arnaud] "Never mind."

"Drop the spork, lady!"

"You know, what- what is it with all these complex plots, huh? I mean, what, is it a- is it a Swiss thing? Is that what it is?"
-Darien to Arnaud

"When did you start readinng Scientific America?"
-Hobbes and Darien

"I was on my way to get a breakfast burrito when I pulled a rat skeleton out of my pocket. What did you want me to do? Hug him? Pet him? Call him George?"
-Darien, to Claire

"When you go invisible, the only person who can truly watch you is yourself."
"Wow. Could you print that up and put it in a key chain for me?"
-Claire and Darien

"Bobby Hobbes detects many scents. He doesn't just smell things, okay?"
"That's right, he only hears them."
-Bobby and Darien

"How would you feel about that?"
"About what?"
"Me being dead."
"...Well, I certainly wouldn't miss these fun chats."
-Darien and Claire

"Actually, I did a little high school acting once-"
"Bobby, don't quit your day job."
"Pay me more."
-Bobby and The Official

"I make two Chrysali, attempting to get free cable. They must be stopped. Over."

"'Saddle up'. She's as real as her hair color."
"You said that out loud."
"I did?" [sarcastically] "Oops."
-Claire re: Alex, and The Official

"Okay, people, let's not get our boxers up in a bunch. Fawkes is a criminal, it's true. But he's our criminal, and we love him. All right?"

"Well, au revoir, Fawkes. That's French for 'I'm gonna kill you the next time I see you'."

"Bobby, if you hadn't so recently vomited, I could kiss you!"
"...I could eat a mint."
-Claire and Hobbes

"I wanted to shoot them!"
"You always shoot them. You shoot them all the time."
"I like shooting them."
"You shoot later."
-Alex and Hobbes

"Well, come on, if you guys would stop missing so much, you wouldn't need another clip, you ever think of that?"
-Darien, to Bobby and Alex (guess who forgot the extra clip?)

"If I restart the gland prematurely, it could severely damage Darien's higher brain functions!"
"...Does he have those?"
-Claire and The Official

"Darien, it's not that simple. The gland isn't something I can just turn on, like a switch!"
"Well, you turned it off like a switch!"
-Claire and Darien

"Show me silver or I show you red."
"God, you are such a bad-ass. You bad!"
-Arnaud and Darien

The Official: "Quicksilver is our technology, and as such, our responsibility. I will not let the enemy use it against America."
Darien: "Yeah? Well, what about Finland?"
Eberts: "Darien, the Official's being serious."
Darien: "So am I."

Blake's 7

Blake: "You can't afford to be choosy."
Avon: "Why else am I talking to you?"

Jenna: "I don't think [the computer] likes you somehow."
Avon: "I think I may have to reprogram this machine."
Jenna: "Still won't make you likable."

"And don't take any stupid risks. We're doing enough of that down here."

Jenna: "Wretched mining companies. No sense of aesthetics."
Avon: "Well, what do you want them to do, landscape?"

Avon: "In the unlikely event that we survive this--"
Blake: "Yes?"
Avon: "I'm finished. Staying with you requires a degree of stupidity of which I no longer feel capable."
Blake: "Now you're just being modest."

Avon: "We stand a better chance as a group."
Tarrant: "What, while something is eating me, you can get away?"

Avon: [after being kissed by Dayna] "What was that for?"
Dayna: "Curiosity."
Avon: "I'm all in favor of healthy curiosity. I hope yours isn't satisfied too easily; I think you cured my headache."

"Well. I hope she's not totally insane. Under these circumstances, that could be a little bit embarassing."
-Avon re: Dayna (above)

The Caliph: "Where is Orac?"
Tarrant: "If he's not on the ship, I don't know where he is."
The Caliph: "How tall is he?" [Tarrant demonstrates] "A dwarf?"
Tarrant: "We never think of him as one."
The Caliph: "What is the colour of his hair?"
Tarrant: "He hasn't got any. A bald dwarf shouldn't be too hard to find."

Re: a guard with a knife in his back:
Avon: "That's a difficult way to commit suicide."
Dayna: "Maybe he was cleaning it and it went off."

"Heroic rescues can be embarrassing if you're not actually in danger."

Avon: "You really believe in taking risks, don't you?"
Tarrant: "Calculated ones."
Avon: "Calculated on what? Your fingers?"

Soolin: [to Vila, hiding in a locker] "Is this a private game or can anyone play?"
Vila: "We've been looking for you."
Soolin: "In there?"

"You were injured trying to rescue Cally; [Vila] rescued you. Suddenly I'm hip-deep in heroes."
-Avon to Tarrant

Soolin: "Doesn't have much time for Tarrant, does he?"
Avon: "Tarrant is brave, young, handsome; there are three good reasons for anyone not to like him."

Dayna: "I'm sorry. I let you down."
Avon: "Let me down?"
Dayna: "There were only two! I should have been able to kill them both!"
Avon: "We all have our off days."

"Anybody comes through this door, kill them. Anybody that isn't me, that is."

Tarrant: "Do you like being helpless, Cally?"
Cally: "I don't know. I've never tried it."

Shrinker: "What's in it for me?"
Avon: "A way out."
Shrinker: "I don't trust you."
Avon: "That's your problem."
Shrinker: "Why should I trust you?"
Avon: "I've got the gun!"

Dayna: "So what are you going to do? Stick a gun in Servalan's ear and say, 'Give me Bartholomew or I'll blow the top of your head off'?"
Avon: "Something like that."
Dayna: "And if she doesn't?"
Avon: "I'll blow the top of her head off."

Tarrant: "He's good, is he, this Cancer?"
Avon: "You can imagine how much it hurts me to use the word 'infallible'.
Tarrant: "Oh, come on, nobody's infallible."
Avon: "All right, then he's not infallible; it's just that up to now, he's never failed."

"I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going."

Sports Night

Casey: "What happened to your values?"
Dan: "I find that maintaining them is a lot of work. I take a day off every now and then."

Isaac: "Dana, things I say in my office stay in my office!"
Dana: "Natalie's my second in command, she's the only person I told."
Natalie: "Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only person I told."
Jeremy: "...I told many, many people."

Dana: "What are you doing?"
Dan: "He's my boy."
Dana: "You're his boy?"
Jeremy: "Yeah, but it's okay."

"Please don't talk when you look that ridiculous."
-Dana to Casey

The West Wing

"CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read: 'Post hoc, ergo propter hoc'."
"Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone."
-President Bartlett and CJ

"You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats."
"I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
"Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election."
-Toby and Sam

"You guys are idiots. Did you know that?"
"In our own defense, we actually do know that."
-Mandy and CJ

"You accidentally slept with a prostitute."
"Call girl."
"I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"
-Toby and Sam

"You know what, Toby? You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass."
"Well, that's what my mother calls it too, sir."
-President Bartlett and Toby

"So, five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you in the room who are stoned right now that it's time to share."

"What do we do with him? "
"Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay."
"What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?"
"Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria."
"I like this. We bump everybody up, and I can go home."
-President Bartlett and Sam

"I love you guys who want to reduce the size of the government... make it just small enough to fit in our bedrooms."
-Josh re: Republicans

"You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?"
"Yeah, could you swing that?"
"If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?"
-Charlie and Leo

"What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the... whatever, from high atop the thing?"

"You know what, Mr. McGarry? You have the memory of a gypsy moth. When you and the President and the President's daughter and about a hundred other people-- including me, by the way-- were met with a hail of .44-caliber gunfire in Rosslyn, not only were the shooters white... they were doing it because one of us wasn't."
-Raqim Ali

Mystery Science Theater 3000

"Ah, the classic battle between Evil and-- the narrator."
-Crow T. Robot

"And when you pledge to the Soviet Union, you get this nifty tote bag!"
-Tom Servo

Dr. Forrester: "Frank, I'll give you three seconds to stop licking my face."
TV's Frank: "Count slow...."

"Joel, we are heavy machinery."

Movie: "Have you got the bird of happiness?"
"Well, we've got a pretty friendly chicken."
-Crow [as Viking chief]

"Ooh, look, he's re-fenestrating! See?"

"It's an Aunt Bea convention!"

"You know, at some point the world's gotta stop letting idiots like this almost take it over."

"Joel, why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?"

Tom: "Where'd you get all the toothpicks?"
Joel: "What, are you kidding? We're on a spaceship. This place is crawling with toothpicks."

"If you're like me-- and I know I am...."

"According to this, there's a single-occupant escape pod called the Deus Ex Machina."

"Ah, straight into the arms of Sheriff Menacing W. Pervert!"

"I love my dead Greek son!"
-Tom [as King Pelias]

"Frolicking has never been so depressing."

"Objection! The use of the term 'nipple' is imprecise, incorrect, and misleading-- though, I admit, mildly provocative."

"Hi. I'm intrinsically evil, and I've got a new jogging suit I'm showing off."
-Joel [as J.J. Hubbard]

"This looks like the end of Romancing the Stone. It's not funny, I'm just pointing it out."

"Hey, when I said you could borrow some of my stuff, I didn't mean my torso!"

"Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?"

"Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now; please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb."

Movie: "Fear killed Tolliver."
"I thought it was those big guys in the costumes."

Joel: "Looks like this movie was made in Italy."
Crow: "Well, what do you expect from a country that had a porn star in Parliament?"
Tom: "Better things than this."

"There goes our gods."

"What is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into them?"

Joel: "Bambi, humans are basically good."
[sound of a shotgun pumping]
Crow: "Oh, scratch that."

Movie: "You can do magic things!"
"It's called 'evil', kid."
-Crow [as Trumpy]

"Prepare the Effeminate-mobile!"

"At all times, he has the look of a man who's been hit by a fish."
-Crow re: The Pumaman

"Oh, boy. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish about it."

Joel: "You know, guys, it always hurts to close it all up, strike the set, wipe off the greasepaint, uh, napkin up the blood and entrails, and move on to another town."
Crow: "Uh-oh, I smell a song."

"That's her come-whither look."

"Uh, T minus 4 seconds to an emotion?"

Tom: "I think it's a strapless evening gown."
Crow: "You think everything is a strapless evening gown!"

"In the fifties, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices."

"It's one of those 'fly, monkeys, fly!' ...monkeys."

"Hey, there's a naked lady in this movie, and she's nude! With no clothes on!"

"He's a cop, he's a rabbi. They're cops! Except for the rabbi."

Mike: "So, guys, should we be feeling anything at this point?"
Tom: "You can go ahead and feel something. I'm not gonna."
Mike: "Oh. Okay."

"That's an illegal use of a silent consonant."
-Crow re: Bharbara Egan

"Well, the movie lost me, it lost me, and it's trotting off without me."

"Wench-jacking was a big problem in the Middle Ages."

"Well, maybe if they didn't disguise the planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it."

Tom: "Mike, how come you don't have huge rubber pants?"
Mike: "Who says I don't?"

Joel: "I love you, Tom Servo!"
Tom: "I love you, Joel!"
Joel: "I love you, Crow!"
Crow: "You're not my real father!"

"Women on the verge of a three-point takedown."
-Crow re: women's wrestling

Tom: "So, Mike, turtles excrete wax and you humans put it in cans and just rub it all over your cars?" (sarcastically) "Good, that's good. You just keep doing that."
Mike: "That's not exactly how it goes."

Bob: (describing West) "He'd sit on his mother's head if he had something to gain by it."
"Odd image, Bob."

And from the Poopie Files:

"Well, if we're gonna save the planet and stuff, I just really should learn my lines."

Joel: "Really makes you think, don't it?"
Tom: "Mmm-hm."
Crow: "Hmm."
Joel: "Really makes you wonder what the next line is, doesn't it?"
Crow: "Oh, yeah."
Tom: "Yeah, sure does!"
Crow: "Yep."
Tom: "Next line's yours, buddy, you might as well give it a try."

Mike: "...virtually rendering it, uh...."
Tom: "Impossible to free himself?"
Mike: "Impossible to free himself, yeah."
Tom: "That's what I thought you were gonna say. Let's move on, shall we?"

Whose Line Is It, Anyway?

"I've come to sleep with your mother and then kill her. In that order."
"Oh, I'm afraid I've already done it."
"How about your father? Is he around?"
-Julian Clary and Paul Merton

"You're a young man; you shall have fifteen sons and name them Seth."
-Chip Esten

"Is the party under way?"
"Oh, yes, I've just put my extra-heavy-duty sunglasses on in case... Clive arrives without a hat."
-Clive Anderson and Tony Slattery

"And lo, the bridge did fall! And my mother was kill't underneath it!"
"If I were like your mother, I would be a woman!"
-Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles

"It's that damn Gestapo, they've fixed my fingers to my eyes...."
-Stephen Fry

"You're one tae bo class away from an ass kicking!"
-Wayne Brady

"Pity me, for I've eaten my underwear."
-Tony Slattery

"I can't do anything 'cause he keeps pressing the buzzer! Slaphead!"
"...very sad to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton at my hands...."
"I lasted longer than your hair did!"
-Paul Merton and Clive Anderson

[after Josie has fallen down] "It's all right! I'm a doctor!"
"You're a doctor? I didn't know that!"
"Well, not a real one."
-Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles

"This courtroom is a Mochrie!"

"These little things, they are called- they swim in the ocean, they swim in the ocean. They are called... olives!"

"Why should I listen to a word you say?"
"I'm from Newcastle, that's why!"
-Colin Mochrie and Niall Ashdown

"But will it wash my sins away, as well as my underpants?"

"There's a Wookie involved?!"

"Ooh, it's that show where Clive patronises lots of different people around the world."

"Ah, yes... A listening device."
"Yes, that's my telephone. There's the looking device over there, that's my television set."
-Richard and Paul

"Well, it's as long as you say, but not terribly useful...."
-Sandi Toksvig

[Shakespearean] "I would like to quaff some of this ale that I see displayed before me in various bottles of various hues...."
"That's Bela Lugosi!"
"I know not of this hammy horror actor of which you speak-"
"My liege, you're pissed."
"I may be pissed, but I still have a craving for dry roasted peanuts!"
-Paul and Tony

"What's wrong with you? Get some friends!"
-Greg to Clive

"Excuse me, someone's at the microwave."

"Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!"
-Mike McShane

"Sorry, I've just set fire to my fingers."

"This is the nuttiest game that could ever be, Mr. A.!"
-Greg to Clive

"Yes, I am lying on the floor... but I will get up, I cannot be destroyed! Except by a linguist coach."
-Paul as the Terminator

"You know, I could sit in the chair and smart off, and you could get your butt up here and work."
"Get a better agent."
-Greg and Clive

"Have you got any scars?"
"No, but I can take me trousers off."
-Josie Lawrence and Paul Merton do Gangster Porn

"I'm trying to be ginger. Or any Spice Girl, for that matter."

"D'you order a pizza?"
"Don't you have the food of the gods?"
"What did you order?"
"Didn't I order some grapes?"
"Can you handle pepperonies?"
"What's a pepperoni?"
"...I don't know...."
-Ryan and Colin tackle the Eternal Question

"I don't like the governor! I think we should have a riot and kill 'im!"
"I agree. With such a plan, how could we possibly fail?"
-Josie and Paul

"Hello, welcome to the not-terribly-convincing torture chamber!"

"What are you doing with that squeezie bottle?"

"I think it's strange to look for the Loch Ness Monster in Wales, don't you?"
"Yes, because it'd have to be a big whale to swallow Nessie!"
-Niall out-puns Greg

"I'm going to murder you simply because you're Father Smurf."

"Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one will always disagree with the other nine."

"It's all fun and games till someone gets eaten!"

"Why does your horse have a door?"
-Brad Sherwood

"Maybe you're confusing this with your other show, where you just talk talk talk and never let anyone else talk."
-Greg to Clive

"Give me liberty or a bran muffin!"

"I'm just being generally frisky."

"I can't believe we do this for a living."
"Not for much longer."
-Sandi, after screwing up a March, and Clive

"Any time I say jelly, I mean Jell-O in America."
"And any time I say 'naff git', that means Clive Anderson! Thank you. I'll be here the rest of the night."
"Do you want to sit down now?"
"No, I'm pretty much done, yeah. Can we start?"
-Clive and Greg

[reading] "She's through there, laid out on the bed."
"I'll just go right in, then."
"She's been through a hell of a lot in the past few hours."
"Hell of a lot's been through 'er, from what I've heard."
[giggling] "She's dead."
"Well, that's never stopped me having a good time."
-Tony, reading lines, and Paul

"Clive, I'm working my chuff off! You needn't be so dismissive!"

"Is it cows of any sort?"

"All right, I'm gonna start running, and the faster I run, the slower I'll go!"
-Greg doing Baywatch

"I nearly jumped out of my scalp."

"Boy, that would be zany!"

"I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show."
-Greg to Clive

"Yes, sit down on the- the copilot there."
"Friendly sort, isn't he?"
-Stephen Fry and Josie Lawrence

"This mission will self-destruct before this tape makes sense."

"Your dog's got no legs!"
"Has a nice handle, though."
-Steve F. and Colin

"Do you have more than two eyes?"
-Ryan to Greg

"The Sootie Show!"
"That'll sort them out, won't it? One of them has to put his hand up the other... and after that, anything could happen."
-Audience suggestion and Clive

Xena: Warrior Princess

"It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough already."
-Gabrielle, to Xena

"Of course, the trick in killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist... so for situations like that I use a muffin."

"Too loud? Are you worried we'll get there and the fish will be gone?"
"I'm worried we'll get there and the fish will be armed."
-Gabrielle and Xena

"Another day, another defilement."

"I'm great. I can't see, but I'm good."
"Try using both eyes."
"Oh! Oh yeah, that's better."
"Think you can stand?"
"You mean I'm not?"
-Stoned!Gabrielle and Xena

"What would a dead woman want with me?"

"I know. Wait a minute. What if none of this is really happening- and, like, we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?"
-Joxer inadvertently stumbles across the Universal Truth

"I gotta stop trying that. I'm gonna rupture something."
-Mortal!Ares on godly teleportation

"You know, losing your body has done nothing to improve your patience."
-Auto to Xena

In the "And how was your day?" department....
"My mother's soul is trapped, my daughter is half dead, and the portal to Hell opened up in my backyard!"

"I'll just go guard some villagers or something. Even if they're not in danger."

"You shot me! I'm the God of War! Nobody shoots me!"

"Well, if you shot 10 arrows at me, how many do you think I'd miss?"
"Only one."
"That could be a problem, huh?"
-Gabrielle and Xena

"Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena."
"Well, for starters, stop crying."
-Princess Diana and Gabrielle

"You see, a woman's chastity is like a new hat... a beautiful thing that's... going to kill me."

"You know, there used to be some respect mixed up in my hatred for you, but not anymore. Your petty scruples are an embarrassment. As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you are a sentimental fool."
-Callisto, to Xena

"You don't just kill me and walk away."

Special Unit 2

Nick O'Malley: "Here's what I know. You have to face up to your fears. It's called personal growth."
Kate Benson: "I saw you playing with a Slinky yesterday!"

"I have to admire a man who would come to his high school reunion wearing a couch."

Kate: "Okay, so which one's the truth teller?"
Nick: "I can never remember."
Scavenger chick: "Nicky, you are so hot."
Nick: "Although I'd like to believe it's her."

Kate: "Let me ask you something. Who decided to put us under this cone of silence where we can't tell somebody they're not crazy for thinking something out there isn't human so at least they don't feel like they need to be committed?"
Nick: "Since when did you stop using punctuation?"

Kate: "We think the person responsible for the mummy's disappearance will come to the museum to obtain the contents of the tomb."
Museum guy: "Oh. And-- and how did you come to that conclusion?"
Nick: "A lot of wild guesswork and too much time on our hands."

Forever Knight

"What happens to a person when they leave the love of their lives looking for cheap, quick thrills?"
"In my case, usually homicide."
-Schanke and Janette

"Look, I know you're a figment of my imagination, but you have to stop sneaking up on me!"

"I don't recall any of my staff reporting discovering a decapitated corpse in the beer fridge."

"Don`t mock me!"
"Somebody has to."
-Nick and Janette

"You know, you should keep that hypno thing in your holster."
"Sorry. It gets away from me sometimes."
-Tracy and Vachon

"Clearly I have a future as a sobering influence on the disenfranchised."

"What time is it? What day is it? What century is it?"

"Cars are much sexier with fins, don't you think? More predatory."
"For me it's a question of trunk space."
-Vachon and Nick

"Blink and they'll be ghosts. Blink and they'll be gone."

Miscellaneous Shows

"Michael, what you're thinking about is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think of in your mind and then you come up with something better."
"...Yeah, I don't have anything better."
-Max Evans and Michael Guerrin (Roswell)

"Do I look like an actor?"
-Methos (Highlander)

"That immortal just robbed that armored car!"
"Well, he saw it first!"
-Duncan and Amanda (HL)

"Joe, we actually make a really good team. We could be like Scully and Mulder."
"Yeah, right."
"Sipowicz and Simone."
"Caligula and Incatartas. Well, maybe not Incatartas because he was a horse-"
"Will you shut up?!"
-Methos and Joe (HL)

"Am I a bad gay man?"
"How can you answer that so easily?"
"Because yesterday when I saw that you didn't leave me any milk for my coffee, I remember saying, 'Bad gay man! Bad gay man!'"
-Will and Grace (Will & Grace)

"What would Xena do?"
-Berg (Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place)

"It's just, I feel like he's our first real roommate. You know, he's your friend, he's normal and interesting, he's about our age- he has a job-"
"You trying to sell me on a three-way or something?"
-Hope and Curtis, re: Newbie (Twitch City)

"Yeah, I know, but, uh, don't blame yourselves. I mean, you're young, you're still searching, you're looking for a movement where you can belong, so you chose white supremacy. It's understandable. It's a mistake, but.... You know, in my day it was always Satanism. You guys know Satanism? You should check it out, it's, it's a better crowd. And it's way better music."
-Curtis (TC)

"Know thyself! Some Greek said that! Who was it?"
-Debbie and Michael (Queer As Folk US)

"If you're not careful, you're gonna get addicted!"
"Please. I've been doing this for years."
-Michael and Emmett (QAFUS)

"You know, before they invented the elevator, I had to walk all the way from hell."
-Satan (Brimstone)

"It was just one of those things that seemed really important while you were in the middle of it and really stupid once it was over."
"Kind of like Twin Peaks, then."
-Grace and Wes (The Chronicle)

"I think I've figured it out! We can go up and down, but not backwards or forwards, side to side, or back in time."
-Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

"Now wha- now wait a minute! There's a murder suspect in there- um. Uh. Possibly."
"You're gonna arrest him? With what, a bucket?"
-Jake and Helena, on Liquid Guy (Birds of Prey)

"It's just that, you know, with you being a man and everything, I thought we'd had sex."
-Fran (Black Books)

"I thought you were, actually. Gay, I mean."
"So did I, for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing."
-Manny and Bernard (BB)


"Billy just wants the models and the limousines; I'm happy with the hookers and taxicabs."
-Joe Dick (Hard Core Logo)

"I suffer for his art."
"That's what keeps you honest."
-Billy Tallent and Joe Dick (HCL)

"Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid."
"'Less they're from Seattle...."
-Billy and Joe (HCL)

"And in the end... it's love."
-John Oxenberger (HCL)

"Hey- it's me."
"Prove it."
"...You're a dick."
-Logan and Scott (X-Men)

"You know, I'm not asking that much. I'd just like them to kill my food before they serve it to me."
-Cale (Titan A.E.)

"We need to get Rusty a girl."
"There's a women's prison down the road...."
-Tess and Rusty (Ocean's 11)

"It's very romantic, though."
"Are you a woman or a blacksmith?"
"Sometimes I'm both."
-Kate and Roland (A Knight's Tale)

"Don't you ever get tired of putting on clothes?"
"I believe she's talking about taking them off, my lord."
-William Thatcher and Geoffrey Chaucer (AKT)

"There she is, the embodiment of love! Your Venus!"
"And how I hate her."
-Chaucer and William (AKT)

"If you gotta go...."
"...You might as well be coming."
-Craig and Patrick (Last Night)

"I just don't want to risk having bad sex today. I just don't want that to be the last thing on my mind."
-Patrick (LN)

"Looks like someone's still got her panties in a twist."
"Don't for one minute think you had any effect whatsoever on my panties!"
-Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 Things I Hate About You)

"You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But then there's always drums, and a bass... and maybe someday, a tambourine."
-Kat and Patrick (10TIHAY)

"Mordor, Gandalf! Is it left or right?"
-Frodo and Gandalf (Fellowship of the Ring, extended version)


More quotes?