Seamus Harper: "We have nothing in common. Why do I worship you?"
Beka Valentine: "Uncharacteristic bout of good taste."

Harper: "It's half mystical mumbo-jumbo, half putrid poetry, and half bad math."
Rommie: "That's three halves."
Harper: "Like I said, bad math."

Rommie: "You know what it is I really want?"
Tyr Anasazi: "An avatar unencumbered by cleavage?"

"Oh good. Insanity I can deal with. Maybe I'll go to hydroponics afterwards and run through the sprinklers."
-Harper

Rommie: "Harper, I had no idea you were such a cunning linguist."
Harper: "Love speaks in all tongues, baby."

"I can usually spot a planet. They're large. I have good eyes."
-Tyr

"Is this the part where we bravely run away?"
-Harper

"Whoever told you that sarcasm is a desirable feature in a ship was sadly misinformed."
-Tyr to Andromeda

"We came, we saw, we got spanked."
-Harper

"I could say the talks with the fish people are floundering... but that would be wrong."
-Beka

"The deck drips with the guts of the unworthy melons. I have given life and form to the first time traveling fruit in the history of the universe!"
-Harper

Phillip Kim: "You-- you're--"
Rommie: "Oh, an android? Thanks, I knew that."

"Oh great. Disembodied voices, and nothing to send them."
-Harper

"All right. We need a plan. You! Come up with one, now!"
-Tyr

"I'll say this for the old Commonwealth: when it comes to formal dinnerware, you guys rule."
-Harper

"I try not to dwell on what's right and what's wrong. It slows my processors."
-Rommie

"Damn, I'm God!"
-Harper

"You see? Not only is there a Divine, but he has a sense of humor!"
-Rev Bem

"Oh, Andromeda, am I glad to see me!"
-Rommie, expressing a slight identity crisis

Harper: "God hates me."
Trance Gemini: "Don't take it personally."

"Excitable little fellow, isn't he?"
-Charlemagne Bolivar re: Harper

"Now I know why people hate me."
-Harper, after meeting his computer construct self

"Granted, the Kodiak were strong, healthy, attractive-- and such imaginative hairstyles...."
-Bolivar

"Bite me, me."
-Harper to his computer self

"Run, shoot; run, shoot; run, shoot. Who am I kidding? Run."
-Beka debating the obvious

Bolivar: "Your timing is improbable."
Tyr: "You're welcome."

"I told myself to watch out for you. I wish I'd listened."
-Harper to Trance

"Enlighten you? The Divine is good, don't do flash, and if you're nice to people, they probably still won't be nice to you. Now run along, Daddy's working."
-Harper's Lessons of the Universe

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but are we actually winning?"
-Beka

"Anything else I can do for you? Transmute the elements? Reverse entropy? Make you a sandwich?"
-Harper

"Now can we blow them up?"
-Tyr

"I guess it's true what they say. No matter how powerful you are, there's always someone bigger and stronger than you. I just never thought it applied to me!"
-Rommie

"Tyr, you're here! I can't believe it! You're back! And your front!"
-Harper

Tyr: "What do you want?"
Bolivar: "Oh, the usual. Hundreds of grandchildren, the domination of known space, and the knowledge that all of my enemies have died in painful, highly improbable accidents that can't be traced to me."

"Come on! You know I'm diplomacy-challenged! I make fish angry!"
-Harper

Beka: "Desk job. Orbital bus driver. Prison guard!"
Tyr: "What are you doing?"
Beka: "Reviewing all the jobs I could be doing other than putting my ass on the line every day!"
Tyr: [amused] "Yet here you are."

Rommie: "Well, Tyr, if I ate food, you'd be wearing it right now."
Tyr: "Lovely imagery. And they say A.I.s have no poetry in their souls."
Rommie: "Nope, no poetry, but we're hell on wheels with a dirty limerick. Wanna hear one? 'There once was a man from Nan--'"

"Dammit, boss, I'm an engineer, not a babysitter!"
-Harper

"I had an epiphany like that once. Then I mercilessly beat someone until it went away."
-Tyr

Dylan: "Strange."
Harper: "What? Us standing here over a dead Nietzschean on ice? Yeah, it's strange. But it's also kinda nice, isn't it?"

Beka: "The suspense is killing me."
Tyr: "The suspense isn't what's going to kill you."
Harper: "Yeah, well, the suspense already owes me a new pair of shorts."

"I don't suppose you have any witty but only marginally helpful bon mots to offer."
-Gaheris Rhade

Harper: "I mean, come on, love is just a bunch of exaggerations and lies, all dolled up in pseudo-poetic language, uttered preferably while intoxicated, and all for the singular, universal purpose of... uh, you know."
Trance: "Harper, you're a born romantic."
Harper: "Sometimes there are flowers."

Beka: "Where did you get the candles?"
Tyr: "I rendered them from the fat of my enemies."

Harper: "Do you believe in ghosts?"
Trance: "I don't believe that there couldn't be ghosts."
Harper: "Oh great. In lieu of a parachute, here's a hanky."

Beka: "Authorization code 'shut up and do what I tell you!'"
Eureka Maru computer: "Authorization confirmed."

Rev Bem: [watching a solar storm approach the ship] "Magnificent."
Tyr: "I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us."

"Exactly where on the body is the moneymaker located?"
-Trance

"I'm not deprived, I'm depraved."
-Harper

[after finding many decapitated bodies there] "I say we forget the Rock of Refuge. Badly named."
-Beka

Tyr: "Shall we dance, Master Harper?"
Harper: "You do care."

"'Yes, yes, this is a fertile land and we will thrive! We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land!' 'I think we should call it your grave!' 'Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!'"
-Wash, playing with his dinosaurs

Zoe: "I know something ain't right."
Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything was right, we'd be in jail."

"We gotta share this job! Ten percent of nothin' is-- lemme do the math here-- nothin', then a nothin', carry the nothin'--"
-Jayne

Book: "Captain, you mind if I say grace?"
Mal: "Only if you say it out loud."

"Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?"
-Wash

"Well, you know what they say. History is programmed by the winners."
-Simon

"Mercy, forgiveness, trust... those are things he left back there. All he has now is this ship."
-Zoe, re: Mal (from the original pilot)

Mal: "So I've given Jayne here the job of finding out."
Jayne: "He was non-specific as to how."
Mal: [sotto voce] "Now, you only gotta scare him."
Jayne: [same] "...Pain is scary."

"Now here's a little concept I been workin' on: why don't we shoot her first?"
-Jayne

Mal: "Well, you were right about this bein' a bad idea."
Zoe: "Thanks for saying, sir."

"I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character, so let me make this abundantly clear: I do the job. And then I get paid."
-Mal

"Why didn't you turn on me, Jayne?"
"Money wasn't good enough."
"What happens when it is?"
"Well... that'll be an interesting day."
-Mal and Jayne

"I'm confused. No, wait, I- I think maybe you're confused."
-Simon

"They tell you never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion, hilarious."
-Mal

"What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"
"That it was manly and impulsive?"
"Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, 'Don't.'"
-Inara and Mal

"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
-Zoe to Mal

"This job, I would pull for free."
"Then can I have your share?"
"No."
"If you die, can I have your share?"
"Yes."
-Mal and Zoe

"These are stone killers, little man. They're not cuddly like me."
-Jayne

"Whatever happens, remember I love you."
"Sir?"
"Because you're my wife."
"Right. Sir. Honey."
-Mal and Zoe

"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"
-Wash

"No one's gonna hurt you." [punches the guy] "Any more than we already did."
-Mal

"Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation."
"It does? That's discouraging."
-Captain Whoever and Mal

"You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war."
"Fought with a lot of people in the war."
"And your husband?"
"Fight with him sometimes too."
-Captain W. and Zoe

"If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."
-Mal

"So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?"
"Tactics, woman! I needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole... airflow."
"And you'd know that because...?"
"You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery."
"Oh, let's keep it that way."
-Inara and Mal

Saffron: "I don't please you?"
Mal: "You can't please me, you never met me-- Zoe, why do I have a wife?"
Jayne: "You got a wife? All I got was that dumb-ass stick sounds like it's raining. How come you get a wife?"

Zoe: "Everybody, I want you all to meet... Mrs. Reynolds."
Kaylee: [gasps] "You got married?"
Simon: "Well, that's, uh... congratulations."
Wash: "We'd always hoped you two kids would get together-- who is she?"

"Don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster."
-Kaylee re: Mal

Mal: "I'm sorry. You have very nice qualities, but... I didn't ever marry you."
Book: "I believe you did. Last night."
Mal: [sotto voce] "How drunk was I last night?"
Jayne: [same] "I don't know, I passed out."

"I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume that I'm an evil lecherous hump."
"No one's saying that, sir."
"No, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly."
-Mal, Zoe, Wash

"Can I come in?"
"No."
"See, that's why I usually don't ask."
"What do you want?"
"Oh, I just needed to... hide."
-Mal and Inara

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
-Mal, to Jayne

"Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God, baby geese- goslings. They were juggled."
"Of course. The man rushes in to defend her."
"...I'm talking about geese."
-Wash and Zoe

"Do I wish I was somebody else right now, someone not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky...."
-Wash, reacting to Saffron's advances

"If she can fly this thing, why'd she take the shuttle?"
"Maybe she likes shuttles." [off incredulous looks] "Some people juggle geese!"
-Zoe and Wash

Kaylee: "It was your big make-out session that got us into this, sir."
Mal: "I was poisoned!"
Inara: "You were drugged."
Jayne: "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth."

"But she was naked! And all... articulate."
"Okay! Everybody not taking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere."
-Mal and Wash

"Have good sex!"
-Kaylee to Inara

"My god- you're like a trained ape. Without the training."
-Simon, to Jayne

"There ain't a one of us looks the part more than the good doctor. I mean, the pretty fits: soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over-"
"All right, fine! I'll go! Just... stop describing me."
-Mal and Simon

"I think they captured him, though- you know, captured his essence."
"Looks sort of angry, don't he?"
"That's kind of what I meant."
-Wash and Kaylee, re: Jayne's statue

"You really think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?"
"You better laugh when you say that."
-Jayne and Mal

"I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me! Jayne Cobb!"
"I know your name, jackass!"
-Jayne and Mal

"Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun."
-Wash

"This is, uh- How did- how did you know? River, did you...?"
"'Day' is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable."
[everyone looks at her]
"I didn't get you anything."
-Simon and River, on Simon's birthday

"Let's say you did kill us- or didn't. There could be torture, whatever. Anyhow-"
-Mal, negotiating

"Is that him?"
"That's the buffet table."
"Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it?"
-Kaylee and Mal

"Mercy is the mark of a great man." [stab] "Guess I'm just a good man." [stab] "Well, I'm all right."
-Mal

"See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown."
-Mal

"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."
-Harrow and Mal

"We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated escape and rescue op."
"I was gonna watch. Very exciting."
-Jayne and Wash

"Could've been meditatin' on the wonders of your rock garden by now."
"Beats just sittin'."
"It is just sitting."
-Mal, Jayne, Wash

"You know, it's all very sweet- stealing from the rich... selling to the poor-"
-Wash

"You called the feds."
"What? I got pinched!"
"Which is what happens when you call the feds."
-Mal and Jayne

"Yes, I'd forgotten, you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?"
"No, but I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."
-Book and Simon

"Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. Shut up!"
-Mal

"Okay, um. I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed. So if you two have something that you need to work out-"
-Mal

"I think this is not enough. Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps, for one. Ahh, you now have-"
[points to Wash] "Him." [long pause] "I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you want to finish?"
-Niska and Zoe

"We're getting him back!"
"What are we gonna do, clone 'im?"
-Zoe and Jayne, after Zoe brings back Mal's ear

Mal: "Didja tell her?"
Wash: "Tell her what?"
Mal: "Your husband has demanded that we sleep together."
Zoe: "Really."
Wash: "What? Mal, come on."
Mal: "He seems to think it would get all this burning sexual tension out in the open. You know, make a fair fight for your womanly affections."
Wash: "No! That was the torture talking, remember? The torture?"
Mal: "I know it's a difficult mission, but... you and I... have to get it on."
Zoe: "I understand. We have no choice. Take me, sir. Take me hard."
Jayne: [walking in] "Well, something about that is just downright unsettlin'."

"Well, I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own."
-John Crichton

D'Argo: "Do not mock me."
John: "D'Argo, I mock all of us."

Aeryn: "Can you hand me that axe?"
John: "Yeah... what are you going to do with it?"
Aeryn: "Hack my foot off."
John: "Oh, in that case, let me."

"You certainly look dead to me. I don't know your customs for these situations, but I'll give it a shot. Ahem... John Crichton, valued friend- now, wait a minute. That's a bit of a stretch. John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate, may you have safe journey to our hallowed realm.... Actually, not our hallowed realm, that's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm! ...With the ceremony of passage complete, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself."
-Rygel to John's body

"Strange. I miss Moya. A ship full of aliens becomes so normal...."
-John

John: "That's my underwear!"
Aeryn: [looking at the label] "What does this say?"
John: "Calvin."
Aeryn: "Then it's not yours."

John: "Astro! Work now, freak later."
Stark: "Yes. That's fair."
John: "Good."
Stark: "How much later?"

"Help! Help! A mad Delvian exhibitionist is forcing herself on me! Visually!"
-Rygel

Zhaan: "I have always wondered what could be beyond height, width, depth and time...."
John: "Nausea."

Rygel: "I like my wives pregnant and my ships cold to the touch. That way my feet stay warm and my sleep stays uninterrupted."
John: "Wives, plural?" [slaps Rygel's palm] "Big fella!"

Aeryn: "You are mentally damaged!"
John: "No, I'm a guy."

"Hang tough, Sparky. Enjoy the personality."
-John to Rygel

Chiana: "Do you know any good jokes?"
John: "Not besides the one I'm living."

"Ugh, just to be in the warm glow of all this testosterone!"
-Aeryn

Stark: [to a blinded Crais] "Let me be your eye!"
Rygel: "Perfect. The half-blind leading the blind!"

John: "When the chip was pulled, a chunk of Scorpius' personality was left behind."
"Jack": "A neural clone?"
John: "You could call it that. I call it, uh, Harvey."

Crais: "What can you see?"
Stark: "Damage, damage, damage!"
Crais: "Whatever would I do without your verbal skills?"
Stark: "Oh, you want more words? Well, the conduits are damaged, bulkheads are damaged, the external sensors are damaged too! There is nothing that is not damaged!"
Crais: "Least of all you!"
Stark: "I can see!"
Crais: "If only you could think!"

John: "Furlow, is it always about the money?"
Furlow: "Is there anything else? I mean, how much sex can ya have?"
John: "I don't know; I haven't maxed out yet."

"Don't be a hero, John. Always be the one to walk away while the hero dies. That's my motto."
-Furlow

D'Argo: "See plant, kill plant."
John: "That's gotta be on the Luxan coat of arms."

Clam doc: "The problem is, you are not mollusks!"
D'Argo: "That's never been a problem for us before."

"If this goes bad, please die first so my last moments can be joyous!"
-Rygel to Scorpius

"What is it with Peacekeepers? First they hunt us, then they want to move in. What, are we a bed-and-breakfast? Is there a sign outside that says 'Free HBO'?"
-John

John: "D, we may have to stick Granny in a home."
D'Argo: "I think we should burn her."
John: "You burn your old folks?"
D'Argo: "No, just... sounded like a good idea."

D'Argo: "What's your idea?"
John: "All right, here's the thing. I think that we ambush the escort, we hit him with a rock, and we take his belt."
D'Argo: "That is your plan?"
John: "Yeah."
D'Argo: "To hit him with a rock? When they have these, like, shield things?"
John: "The shields work against pulse energy. They don't work against other things, we saw the guy get burnt."
D'Argo: "Yeah, but not by a rock."

Blake: "You can't afford to be choosy."
Avon: "Why else am I talking to you?"

Jenna: "I don't think [the computer] likes you somehow."
Avon: "I think I may have to reprogram this machine."
Jenna: "Still won't make you likable."

"And don't take any stupid risks. We're doing enough of that down here."
-Blake

Jenna: "Wretched mining companies. No sense of aesthetics."
Avon: "Well, what do you want them to do, landscape?"

Avon: "In the unlikely event that we survive this--"
Blake: "Yes?"
Avon: "I'm finished. Staying with you requires a degree of stupidity of which I no longer feel capable."
Blake: "Now you're just being modest."

Avon: "We stand a better chance as a group."
Tarrant: "What, while something is eating me, you can get away?"

Avon: [after being kissed by Dayna] "What was that for?"
Dayna: "Curiosity."
Avon: "I'm all in favor of healthy curiosity. I hope yours isn't satisfied too easily; I think you cured my headache."

"Well. I hope she's not totally insane. Under these circumstances, that could be a little bit embarassing."
-Avon re: Dayna (above)

The Caliph: "Where is Orac?"
Tarrant: "If he's not on the ship, I don't know where he is."
The Caliph: "How tall is he?" [Tarrant demonstrates] "A dwarf?"
Tarrant: "We never think of him as one."
The Caliph: "What is the colour of his hair?"
Tarrant: "He hasn't got any. A bald dwarf shouldn't be too hard to find."

Re: a guard with a knife in his back:
Avon: "That's a difficult way to commit suicide."
Dayna: "Maybe he was cleaning it and it went off."

"Heroic rescues can be embarrassing if you're not actually in danger."
-Cally

Avon: "You really believe in taking risks, don't you?"
Tarrant: "Calculated ones."
Avon: "Calculated on what? Your fingers?"

Soolin: [to Vila, hiding in a locker] "Is this a private game or can anyone play?"
Vila: "We've been looking for you."
Soolin: "In there?"

"You were injured trying to rescue Cally; [Vila] rescued you. Suddenly I'm hip-deep in heroes."
-Avon to Tarrant

Soolin: "Doesn't have much time for Tarrant, does he?"
Avon: "Tarrant is brave, young, handsome; there are three good reasons for anyone not to like him."

Dayna: "I'm sorry. I let you down."
Avon: "Let me down?"
Dayna: "There were only two! I should have been able to kill them both!"
Avon: "We all have our off days."

"Anybody comes through this door, kill them. Anybody that isn't me, that is."
-Avon

Tarrant: "Do you like being helpless, Cally?"
Cally: "I don't know. I've never tried it."

Shrinker: "What's in it for me?"
Avon: "A way out."
Shrinker: "I don't trust you."
Avon: "That's your problem."
Shrinker: "Why should I trust you?"
Avon: "I've got the gun!"

Dayna: "So what are you going to do? Stick a gun in Servalan's ear and say, 'Give me Bartholomew or I'll blow the top of your head off'?"
Avon: "Something like that."
Dayna: "And if she doesn't?"
Avon: "I'll blow the top of her head off."

Tarrant: "He's good, is he, this Cancer?"
Avon: "You can imagine how much it hurts me to use the word 'infallible'.
Tarrant: "Oh, come on, nobody's infallible."
Avon: "All right, then he's not infallible; it's just that up to now, he's never failed."

"I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going."
-Avon

Casey: "What happened to your values?"
Dan: "I find that maintaining them is a lot of work. I take a day off every now and then."

Isaac: "Dana, things I say in my office stay in my office!"
Dana: "Natalie's my second in command, she's the only person I told."
Natalie: "Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only person I told."
Jeremy: "...I told many, many people."

Dana: "What are you doing?"
Dan: "He's my boy."
Dana: "You're his boy?"
Jeremy: "Yeah, but it's okay."

"Please don't talk when you look that ridiculous."
-Dana to Casey

"CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read: 'Post hoc, ergo propter hoc'."
"Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone."
-President Bartlett and CJ

"You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats."
"I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
"Mindboggling to me that we ever won an election."
-Toby and Sam

"You guys are idiots. Did you know that?"
"In our own defense, we actually do know that."
-Mandy and CJ

"You accidentally slept with a prostitute."
"Call girl."
"Accidentally."
"Yes."
"I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"
-Toby and Sam

"You know what, Toby? You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass."
"Well, that's what my mother calls it too, sir."
-President Bartlett and Toby

"So, five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you in the room who are stoned right now that it's time to share."
-Josh

"What do we do with him? "
"Make him the Ambassador to Paraguay."
"What do we do with the Ambassador to Paraguay?"
"Make him Ambassador to Bulgaria."
"I like this. We bump everybody up, and I can go home."
-President Bartlett and Sam

"I love you guys who want to reduce the size of the government... make it just small enough to fit in our bedrooms."
-Josh re: Republicans

"You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?"
"Yeah, could you swing that?"
"If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?"
-Charlie and Leo

"What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the... whatever, from high atop the thing?"
-Toby

"You know what, Mr. McGarry? You have the memory of a gypsy moth. When you and the President and the President's daughter and about a hundred other people-- including me, by the way-- were met with a hail of .44-caliber gunfire in Rosslyn, not only were the shooters white... they were doing it because one of us wasn't."
-Raqim Ali

"Ah, the classic battle between Evil and-- the narrator."
-Crow T. Robot

"And when you pledge to the Soviet Union, you get this nifty tote bag!"
-Tom Servo

Dr. Forrester: "Frank, I'll give you three seconds to stop licking my face."
TV's Frank: "Count slow...."

"Joel, we are heavy machinery."
-Tom

Movie: "Have you got the bird of happiness?"
"Well, we've got a pretty friendly chicken."
-Crow [as Viking chief]

"Ooh, look, he's re-fenestrating! See?"
-Tom

"It's an Aunt Bea convention!"
-Joel

"You know, at some point the world's gotta stop letting idiots like this almost take it over."
-Tom

"Joel, why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots?"
-Crow

Tom: "Where'd you get all the toothpicks?"
Joel: "What, are you kidding? We're on a spaceship. This place is crawling with toothpicks."

"If you're like me-- and I know I am...."
-Joel

"According to this, there's a single-occupant escape pod called the Deus Ex Machina."
-Mike

"Ah, straight into the arms of Sheriff Menacing W. Pervert!"
-Tom

"I love my dead Greek son!"
-Tom [as King Pelias]

"Frolicking has never been so depressing."
-Crow

"Objection! The use of the term 'nipple' is imprecise, incorrect, and misleading-- though, I admit, mildly provocative."
-Tom

"Hi. I'm intrinsically evil, and I've got a new jogging suit I'm showing off."
-Joel [as J.J. Hubbard]

"This looks like the end of Romancing the Stone. It's not funny, I'm just pointing it out."
-Tom

"Hey, when I said you could borrow some of my stuff, I didn't mean my torso!"
-Crow

"Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?"
-Tom

"Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now; please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb."
-Crow

Movie: "Fear killed Tolliver."
"I thought it was those big guys in the costumes."
-Tom

Joel: "Looks like this movie was made in Italy."
Crow: "Well, what do you expect from a country that had a porn star in Parliament?"
Tom: "Better things than this."

"There goes our gods."
-Crow

"What is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into them?"
-Tom

Joel: "Bambi, humans are basically good."
[sound of a shotgun pumping]
Crow: "Oh, scratch that."

Movie: "You can do magic things!"
"It's called 'evil', kid."
-Crow [as Trumpy]

"Prepare the Effeminate-mobile!"
-Tom

"At all times, he has the look of a man who's been hit by a fish."
-Crow re: The Pumaman

"Oh, boy. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish about it."
-Mike

Joel: "You know, guys, it always hurts to close it all up, strike the set, wipe off the greasepaint, uh, napkin up the blood and entrails, and move on to another town."
Crow: "Uh-oh, I smell a song."

"That's her come-whither look."
-Mike

"Uh, T minus 4 seconds to an emotion?"
-Tom

Tom: "I think it's a strapless evening gown."
Crow: "You think everything is a strapless evening gown!"

"In the fifties, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices."
-Mike

"It's one of those 'fly, monkeys, fly!' ...monkeys."
-Tom

"Hey, there's a naked lady in this movie, and she's nude! With no clothes on!"
-Mike

"He's a cop, he's a rabbi. They're cops! Except for the rabbi."
-Tom

Mike: "So, guys, should we be feeling anything at this point?"
Tom: "You can go ahead and feel something. I'm not gonna."
Mike: "Oh. Okay."

"That's an illegal use of a silent consonant."
-Crow re: Bharbara Egan

"Well, the movie lost me, it lost me, and it's trotting off without me."
-Tom

"Wench-jacking was a big problem in the Middle Ages."
-Mike

"Well, maybe if they didn't disguise the planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it."
-Crow

Tom: "Mike, how come you don't have huge rubber pants?"
Mike: "Who says I don't?"

Joel: "I love you, Tom Servo!"
Tom: "I love you, Joel!"
Joel: "I love you, Crow!"
Crow: "You're not my real father!"

"Women on the verge of a three-point takedown."
-Crow re: women's wrestling

Tom: "So, Mike, turtles excrete wax and you humans put it in cans and just rub it all over your cars?" (sarcastically) "Good, that's good. You just keep doing that."
Mike: "That's not exactly how it goes."

Bob: (describing West) "He'd sit on his mother's head if he had something to gain by it."
"Odd image, Bob."
-Crow

And from the Poopie Files:

"Well, if we're gonna save the planet and stuff, I just really should learn my lines."
-Joel

Joel: "Really makes you think, don't it?"
Tom: "Mmm-hm."
Crow: "Hmm."
Joel: "Really makes you wonder what the next line is, doesn't it?"
Crow: "Oh, yeah."
Tom: "Yeah, sure does!"
Crow: "Yep."
Tom: "Next line's yours, buddy, you might as well give it a try."

Mike: "...virtually rendering it, uh...."
Tom: "Impossible to free himself?"
Mike: "Impossible to free himself, yeah."
Tom: "That's what I thought you were gonna say. Let's move on, shall we?"

"I've come to sleep with your mother and then kill her. In that order."
"Oh, I'm afraid I've already done it."
"How about your father? Is he around?"
-Julian Clary and Paul Merton

"You're a young man; you shall have fifteen sons and name them Seth."
-Chip Esten

"Is the party under way?"
"Oh, yes, I've just put my extra-heavy-duty sunglasses on in case... Clive arrives without a hat."
-Clive Anderson and Tony Slattery

"And lo, the bridge did fall! And my mother was kill't underneath it!"
"If I were like your mother, I would be a woman!"
-Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles

"It's that damn Gestapo, they've fixed my fingers to my eyes...."
-Stephen Fry

"You're one tae bo class away from an ass kicking!"
-Wayne Brady

"Pity me, for I've eaten my underwear."
-Tony Slattery

"I can't do anything 'cause he keeps pressing the buzzer! Slaphead!"
"...very sad to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton at my hands...."
"I lasted longer than your hair did!"
-Paul Merton and Clive Anderson

[after Josie has fallen down] "It's all right! I'm a doctor!"
"You're a doctor? I didn't know that!"
"Well, not a real one."
-Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles

"This courtroom is a Mochrie!"
-Colin

"These little things, they are called- they swim in the ocean, they swim in the ocean. They are called... olives!"
-Ryan

"Why should I listen to a word you say?"
"I'm from Newcastle, that's why!"
-Colin Mochrie and Niall Ashdown

"But will it wash my sins away, as well as my underpants?"
-Tony

"There's a Wookie involved?!"
-Colin

"Ooh, it's that show where Clive patronises lots of different people around the world."
-Tony

"Ah, yes... A listening device."
"Yes, that's my telephone. There's the looking device over there, that's my television set."
-Richard and Paul

"Well, it's as long as you say, but not terribly useful...."
-Sandi Toksvig

[Shakespearean] "I would like to quaff some of this ale that I see displayed before me in various bottles of various hues...."
"That's Bela Lugosi!"
"I know not of this hammy horror actor of which you speak-"
"My liege, you're pissed."
"I may be pissed, but I still have a craving for dry roasted peanuts!"
-Paul and Tony

"What's wrong with you? Get some friends!"
-Greg to Clive

"Excuse me, someone's at the microwave."
-Paul

"Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!"
-Mike McShane

"Sorry, I've just set fire to my fingers."
-Niall

"This is the nuttiest game that could ever be, Mr. A.!"
-Greg to Clive

"Yes, I am lying on the floor... but I will get up, I cannot be destroyed! Except by a linguist coach."
-Paul as the Terminator

"You know, I could sit in the chair and smart off, and you could get your butt up here and work."
"Get a better agent."
-Greg and Clive

"Have you got any scars?"
"No, but I can take me trousers off."
-Josie Lawrence and Paul Merton do Gangster Porn

"I'm trying to be ginger. Or any Spice Girl, for that matter."
-Greg

"D'you order a pizza?"
"Don't you have the food of the gods?"
"What did you order?"
"Didn't I order some grapes?"
"Can you handle pepperonies?"
"What's a pepperoni?"
"...I don't know...."
-Ryan and Colin tackle the Eternal Question

"I don't like the governor! I think we should have a riot and kill 'im!"
"I agree. With such a plan, how could we possibly fail?"
-Josie and Paul

"Hello, welcome to the not-terribly-convincing torture chamber!"
-Tony

"What are you doing with that squeezie bottle?"
-Paul

"I think it's strange to look for the Loch Ness Monster in Wales, don't you?"
"Yes, because it'd have to be a big whale to swallow Nessie!"
-Niall out-puns Greg

"I'm going to murder you simply because you're Father Smurf."
-Tony

"Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one will always disagree with the other nine."
-Colin

"It's all fun and games till someone gets eaten!"
-Ryan

"Why does your horse have a door?"
-Brad Sherwood

"Maybe you're confusing this with your other show, where you just talk talk talk and never let anyone else talk."
-Greg to Clive

"Give me liberty or a bran muffin!"
-Colin

"I'm just being generally frisky."
-Julian

"I can't believe we do this for a living."
"Not for much longer."
-Sandi, after screwing up a March, and Clive

"Any time I say jelly, I mean Jell-O in America."
"And any time I say 'naff git', that means Clive Anderson! Thank you. I'll be here the rest of the night."
"Do you want to sit down now?"
"No, I'm pretty much done, yeah. Can we start?"
-Clive and Greg

[reading] "She's through there, laid out on the bed."
"I'll just go right in, then."
"She's been through a hell of a lot in the past few hours."
"Hell of a lot's been through 'er, from what I've heard."
[giggling] "She's dead."
"Well, that's never stopped me having a good time."
-Tony, reading lines, and Paul

"Clive, I'm working my chuff off! You needn't be so dismissive!"
-Greg

"Is it cows of any sort?"
-Ryan

"All right, I'm gonna start running, and the faster I run, the slower I'll go!"
-Greg doing Baywatch

"I nearly jumped out of my scalp."
-Clive

"Boy, that would be zany!"
-Colin

"I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show."
-Greg to Clive

"Yes, sit down on the- the copilot there."
"Friendly sort, isn't he?"
-Stephen Fry and Josie Lawrence

"This mission will self-destruct before this tape makes sense."
-Greg

"Your dog's got no legs!"
"Has a nice handle, though."
-Steve F. and Colin

"Do you have more than two eyes?"
-Ryan to Greg

"The Sootie Show!"
"That'll sort them out, won't it? One of them has to put his hand up the other... and after that, anything could happen."
-Audience suggestion and Clive

"It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough already."
-Gabrielle, to Xena

"Of course, the trick in killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist... so for situations like that I use a muffin."
-Autolycus

"Too loud? Are you worried we'll get there and the fish will be gone?"
"I'm worried we'll get there and the fish will be armed."
-Gabrielle and Xena

"Another day, another defilement."
-Autolycus

"I'm great. I can't see, but I'm good."
"Try using both eyes."
"Oh! Oh yeah, that's better."
"Think you can stand?"
"You mean I'm not?"
-Stoned!Gabrielle and Xena

"What would a dead woman want with me?"
-Autolycus

"I know. Wait a minute. What if none of this is really happening- and, like, we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?"
-Joxer inadvertently stumbles across the Universal Truth

"I gotta stop trying that. I'm gonna rupture something."
-Mortal!Ares on godly teleportation

"You know, losing your body has done nothing to improve your patience."
-Auto to Xena

In the "And how was your day?" department....
"My mother's soul is trapped, my daughter is half dead, and the portal to Hell opened up in my backyard!"
-Xena

"I'll just go guard some villagers or something. Even if they're not in danger."
-Gabrielle

"You shot me! I'm the God of War! Nobody shoots me!"
-Ares

"Well, if you shot 10 arrows at me, how many do you think I'd miss?"
"Only one."
"That could be a problem, huh?"
-Gabrielle and Xena

"Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena."
"Well, for starters, stop crying."
-Princess Diana and Gabrielle

"You see, a woman's chastity is like a new hat... a beautiful thing that's... going to kill me."
-Autolycus

"You know, there used to be some respect mixed up in my hatred for you, but not anymore. Your petty scruples are an embarrassment. As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you are a sentimental fool."
-Callisto, to Xena

"You don't just kill me and walk away."
-Callisto

Nick O'Malley: "Here's what I know. You have to face up to your fears. It's called personal growth."
Kate Benson: "I saw you playing with a Slinky yesterday!"

"I have to admire a man who would come to his high school reunion wearing a couch."
-Nick

Kate: "Okay, so which one's the truth teller?"
Nick: "I can never remember."
Scavenger chick: "Nicky, you are so hot."
Nick: "Although I'd like to believe it's her."

Kate: "Let me ask you something. Who decided to put us under this cone of silence where we can't tell somebody they're not crazy for thinking something out there isn't human so at least they don't feel like they need to be committed?"
Nick: "Since when did you stop using punctuation?"

Kate: "We think the person responsible for the mummy's disappearance will come to the museum to obtain the contents of the tomb."
Museum guy: "Oh. And-- and how did you come to that conclusion?"
Nick: "A lot of wild guesswork and too much time on our hands."

"What happens to a person when they leave the love of their lives looking for cheap, quick thrills?"
"In my case, usually homicide."
-Schanke and Janette

"Look, I know you're a figment of my imagination, but you have to stop sneaking up on me!"
-Natalie

"I don't recall any of my staff reporting discovering a decapitated corpse in the beer fridge."
-LaCroix

"Don`t mock me!"
"Somebody has to."
-Nick and Janette

"You know, you should keep that hypno thing in your holster."
"Sorry. It gets away from me sometimes."
-Tracy and Vachon

"Clearly I have a future as a sobering influence on the disenfranchised."
-LaCroix

"What time is it? What day is it? What century is it?"
-Nick

"Cars are much sexier with fins, don't you think? More predatory."
"For me it's a question of trunk space."
"Pragmatist."
-Vachon and Nick

"Blink and they'll be ghosts. Blink and they'll be gone."
-Lacroix

"Billy just wants the models and the limousines; I'm happy with the hookers and taxicabs."
-Joe Dick (Hard Core Logo)

"I suffer for his art."
"That's what keeps you honest."
-Billy Tallent and Joe Dick (HCL)

"Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid."
"'Less they're from Seattle...."
-Billy and Joe (HCL)

"And in the end... it's love."
-John Oxenberger (HCL)

"Hey- it's me."
"Prove it."
"...You're a dick."
"Okay."
-Logan and Scott (X-Men)

"You know, I'm not asking that much. I'd just like them to kill my food before they serve it to me."
-Cale (Titan A.E.)

"We need to get Rusty a girl."
"There's a women's prison down the road...."
-Tess and Rusty (Ocean's 11)

"It's very romantic, though."
"Are you a woman or a blacksmith?"
"Sometimes I'm both."
-Kate and Roland (A Knight's Tale)

"Don't you ever get tired of putting on clothes?"
"I believe she's talking about taking them off, my lord."
-William Thatcher and Geoffrey Chaucer (AKT)

"There she is, the embodiment of love! Your Venus!"
"And how I hate her."
-Chaucer and William (AKT)

"If you gotta go...."
"...You might as well be coming."
-Craig and Patrick (Last Night)

"I just don't want to risk having bad sex today. I just don't want that to be the last thing on my mind."
-Patrick (LN)

"Looks like someone's still got her panties in a twist."
"Don't for one minute think you had any effect whatsoever on my panties!"
-Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 Things I Hate About You)

"You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But then there's always drums, and a bass... and maybe someday, a tambourine."
-Kat and Patrick (10TIHAY)

"Mordor, Gandalf! Is it left or right?"
"Left."
-Frodo and Gandalf (Fellowship of the Ring, extended version)