Random Things People Said

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"This is highly inappropriate. There's a little girl in the front row and I'm about to sing a song about necrophilia."
-Hugh Dillon

"If you just think of God as a fussy artist who's never satisfied with His work, it all makes sense."
-David Rust (in a MiSTing)

"Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?"
-George Carlin

"The best way I can describe Velma is that several family members and I created a 'When Will Velma Kill Her Parents Because The Voices Told Her To?' pool."
The Misanthropic Bitch

"Can we include the Girl Scouts and the Keebler Elves in the war on drugs?"

"Sexuality is kind of like a wire hanger- once you get one little kink in, no amount of trying is ever going to make it perfectly straight again."

"In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday."
-The Onion

"It's as though it's 1937 and I'm a bandleader named Freddie Hitler. Maybe we should change the name now. A friend suggested 'Basket of Puppies.'"
-Scott Ian, leader of the band Anthrax

"Remember kids: in the shell game of life, bisexuals will take all three coconut halves and run for dear life. Beware, for they are crafty!"
-Mary Schons

"Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity"
-The Onion

"And I said to myself,'self', and I knew it was me because I know my voice."
-random sig

I can take a man, wrap himround my littlefinger then slowly unravle him until theresnothing left but the threads of whatonce existed...
[Would that be your spacebar finger by chance?]
-JadeSyren, Heartless Bitches International

"I laughed, I cried, I fell down and got a nasty sprain... it changed my life, mostly because of the lawsuit."

"Has anyone noticed the similarities between teen mothers and inmates? Once both realize that they're trapped for life, they turn to God."
-The Misanthropic Bitch

"I like that story 'cause it starts really manly and ends kinda queer. That's the way I like it."
-Dave Attell

"You know America's gone through a wormhole when Pat Buchanan is the voice of fairness and reason."
-Jon Stewart

"Can counseling make you straight? I don't know. Money can make you Republican, so...."
-Sabrina Matthews

"If my food did speak to me, would I suffer back-talk from the condiments? No, I donít believe I would. A pineapple could get uppity with me, because a pineapple has spikes and everything, but if the margarine gives me lip, it gets the boot."
-Sarah Bunting on Parkay commercials

"Irony is a Scotsman cloning a sheep."
-Sabrina Matthews

"People like you and me, we don't hate homosexuals. We're just angry at the ones that turn us on."
-Stephen Colbert

"Some women run with the wolves. Yours just ate your homework."
-JadeSyren, HBI

"You're impossible!"
"No, I'm just very, very improbable."
-random sig

"Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."
-Andrew Lias

"Come on, ladies, we all had to read Our Bodies, Ourselves for health class - we should all familiarize ourselves with our beautiful bods, touch our beautiful bods without fear or shame, and come up with a whole passel of nicknames for our beautiful bods. Don't leave it up to men, or they'll keep pretending there's a cat down there."
-Sarah Bunting

"God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."
-random sig

"Shut up, Brain! Or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!"
-random T-shirt

"My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey: it went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, really stoned."
-Lewis Black

"If your last name's Hyman, don't name your child an adjective."
-Adam Hills, re: Olympic swimmer Misty Hyman

>> How can we make a newsgroup like that?
> Only God can make a newsgroup.
> Bryan "Or am I thinking of trees?" Lambert
Trees don't make newsgroups. That's a myth.
-Lars Hansen, Bryan Lambert, and Carl Burke on rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc

>> Well, the Force *does* partially control my actions, so yes.
> Partially... but it also obeys your commands.
Unfortunately, no. I'm pretty much the Force's bitch.
-Kevin Mowery and ShadowStar on r.a.t.m.m.

"Great. Great. He's gonna prevent a kind of war he can't even pronounce."
-Jon Stewart, on Bush and nuclear war

"These people are supposed to be young, hip folks who are in a little holding pattern in their lives, and they were all there for each other. It's one thing for it not to be 'my day, my week or even my year'. It's another for it not to be my decade. At what point do you simply become a loser?"
-Robert Thompson on Friends

"Life's short and hard, like a body-building elf."
-random sig

"Went bobsleighing... killed twenty Bobs."
-random sig

I'm almost sure you've heard this on every other submission, but I'm unique.
[Ox, meet moron.]
-JadeSyren, HBI

"On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points."
-Virginia Woolf

"My Coat Of Arms ties at the back. Is that normal?"
-random sig

"The new trailers play up a more patriotic angle, adding the tag line: 'America Gets the Last Word,' which was chosen over the more controversial 'America Gets the Last Word, But It's In Navajo, So No One Can Understand It, Except For Other Navajos.'"
-Adam Sternbergh on Windtalkers

"You go to war over religion, now you're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
-Richard Jeni

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."
-Jack Handey

"It certainly would be noble and righteous and all that other heart-warming stuff if we took on a global Mighty Mouse role, crusading against evil regimes wherever we found them and returning control of the countries to the people (even if those people refuse to embrace Western democracy), but how many times would you have to have been dropped on your head as an infant to believe that's the crux of why we're in Iraq?"
-The Misanthropic Bitch

"Nobody seriously talks about wiping all aryans from the planet. Who would do all the parasailing?"
-Lore SjŲberg

"My mother and I have very different definitions of the word 'cleanliness'. She believes it is next to godliness. I am agnostic."

"Screw destiny. But give it flowers first or it feels used."

"It's not the pledge [of allegiance] that annoyed me. It was the every morning part. What, did we become commies overnight?"
"Apparently, even though we PLEDGED our allegiance, it didn't take. I think mine wore off by lunchtime. I traded military secrets to the Cuban kid for his Twinkies."
-lots42 and calamityjon

"...in our poker games, you would win [Johnny Depp]. And you'd get a different Johnny Depp depending on how good your winning hand is and whether or not you like him in eyeliner. For example, a royal flush gets either 'Pirates of the Caribbean' Johnny or 'Benny and Joon' Johnny, whereas winning with a high pair gets ... hell, I don't know. 'Ed Wood' Johnny. Or, ooo -- 'Blow' Johnny! ...Wait, that didn't come out how I thought it would."
"So what do you have to get to take home 'Fear and Loathing' Johnny?"
"I don't know. A .30 blood alcohol content?"
-Troll Princess and Panthea

"I like foods that don't actually contain the ingredients in their name. Grape Nuts don't contain grapes or nuts, cream soda doesn't contain cream, Ritz crackers don't actually contain an upscale hotel, and so forth."
-Lore SjŲberg

"Vaguely pleased to know that I haven't become heterosexual. (I know it's not everyone's major fear, but I think I'd be disappointed in the universe and myself if it somehow happened.)"
-Jane St Clair

"I'm spoiler-free for the war, except I understand that in an upcoming episode, the US is going to look like bunch of assholes in the international community. That spoiler's been confirmed."

"And I find myself without an internet connection while the Parents switch computers, old clunky to new shiny sleek. I find myself, but don't know what to do with what I've found, so I put it all aboard an early Thursday morning flight to Budapest."

"There's even a post about 'turning gay.' Where? At the next stoplight?"

"You just broke the abortion debate."
"Oops. Does this mean I have to buy it now?"
-lizbee and herewiss13

"I'm not getting drunk in Texas. I don't trust Texas. I don't know what they might do to me while I'm drunk."

"Spike (Not Lee) TV -- the First Network For Men, assuming you don't count ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNs 3, 4, and 5, and ESPN Classic, Speed TV, OLN, Playboy, Spice, FSN, and GOLF."

"It might be a good thing if Schwarzenegger steals the California governorship with the help of the Republican party. He's the only candidate who can read the Patriot Act in the original German."

"Oh, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day, isn't it? Erm ... 'Hey, you should hear the cool shit I downloaded last night! The RIAA can kiss my ass! Wooo!' Wait, that's not right."
-Troll Princess

"Walked out asking, 'Were the writers wearing condoms when they fucked our minds? Was it safe? Do you remember being kissed?'"
-Rhi, on Identity

"WHAT???!!! What did I do?! It was just some Peeps! And a little heroin!"
"I'm fine w/ the heroin--just be careful with the fucking Peeps."
-Valeria and Beth (from Bindlestitch)

"So what happened to London, then?"
*shiftily* "It's still there. I put it back when I was finished."
-Daegaer and her brother

"I'd help you speculate, but if it doesn't involve rimming, I'm just not that interested."

"I prayed a demon off my roof once.
"Okay, so it was more like a cat and I said, 'Jesus, not again! Get your goddamn ass off that roof!'
"But it's close."

"I don't know about you guys, but I got a journalfen account because of all the sex and booze they promised me."
-Ivy Blossom

"Even common insults sound sosphisticated in Latin... for example: TUA MATER"
"Dude. Verbum."
-lyn straine & Harukami

"I didn't think her argument was very convincing, but she put 'Period' at the end, so she must have been right."
-Stormcrow, on the rules of online debate

"I'm Jewish and agnostic. It's not nearly as cool as being a lesbian cocksucker, but I do what I can."
-Baron Mind

"And then God said, 'Let there be a plague of locusts on the house of every man who loveth another man, for I hate them, for they are eternally more stylish than I.'"

If God used text messaging:

"ABRM! I nd U 2 tlk 2 the Jws! & kill ur kid. Call M3 Bk! Thx! -Gd"

-Baron Mind

"Dis YHWH, JSS get on X, di, cum bak, k?"


"We fight crime."
"We do."
"And innocent bystanders, when we're bored."
-Kli and Panthea

"I bet when his parents found out about his coke addiction, they were like, 'God. There goes his political career.'"
-Shimmer, on our esteemed president

"You took back the night last year!"
"Yeah, but the other people took it back again!"
"So how long is this going to go on?"
"It's keep-away. It's a full-contact game of keep-away."
-Shimmer and Kli

"I do have a tendency to get on my soapbox when I'm high. I just have to be real careful not to fall off."

"It's not blasphemy!"
"What is it, then?"
"...Differently reverential?"
"Go in peace, my son."
-Philbert and Kli

"This is mass ridiculousness!"
"That's what we do best!"
-Kli and Panthea

"Choose wisely, my friend. My boob is itchy."

"The muffins were louder than expected."

"I, for one, would be constantly using the biscuit machine."

"I'm done now. You have a clean slate."
"And a bruised arm."
-Kli and Philbert

"I don't know. Terrorism makes strange bedfellows. So does hard liquor... no, actually, that just makes drunk bedfellows. I could use a drunk bedfellow."

"They're walking down Bay State at three a.m. carrying bottles in paper bags. They must be freshmen!"
"They could just be homeless."
-ArchaeoDork & the Professor

"In the meantime, try to look law-abiding."
-Kli (good advice in any situation)

"Snarky people of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your illusions!"
"And your innocence!"
"And all your friends!"
-Panthea and Kli

"So he was right about being God; he just didn't realize that everyone else was God too."
-Kli on Jesus, and how he should've been a Buddha

"They were oscillating! The cosmological constant of her breasts is greater than 1!"
-Shimmer, on The Mystery of Britney Spears' Breasts

"On a side note, do you realize I'm only visiting this planet?"

"Sounds like Michael Jackson on estrogen pills."
-Kramer on Skunk Anansie (she's wrong, but....)

"Actually, it makes me kind of somber. Whenever I pay less, I kind of want to kill myself."
-Kli, on Payless

"[His family is] all dead, his son and his sister and his parents -"
"Does he have a crawlspace under his house?"
-Kramer and Philbert

"No! Don't hump me like a turtle! ...I shouldn't have to say that! Ever!"

"I guess I have nothing better to do than to show you my naked breasts."

"I don't know. I might have to stop supporting Israel until they stop taking money from Starbucks."
-Kli, on a customer's intention to boycott Starbucks until they stop giving Israel aid

"I'd prefer if you wouldn't make feminine sex organs out of my food."

"Hey, hey, hey! Are you calling me a French existentialist again?"

"Who are you?"
"I am Death! I've come to take your soul!"
"Oh, well, there's this lamb's blood on the door, you see...."
-Loveleigh and Kli

"I tease because I love. And 'cause I wanna make you feel bad. That's the other reason."

"Excuse me, ma'am, I was just wondering if you could tell me what the fuck?"

"I can't say those things anymore. I smoked the Bible."

"Yeah, I hear Canada's nice round about this time of year. You know, during the freezing winter."
"Whereas down here, it's mild with a chance of drafting."
-Panthea and Kli

"I was occupied. Like France, during World War II."

"It is all about me! Fuck you! You're not real!"

"You tripped over our bad queer karma."

"She's chewing up the scenery, and spitting it out, and then eating it again. Like cud."
"...That's the coolest thing you've said all day."
-Panthea and Kli

"Greetings, from the peanut gallery. Wish you were here."

"Get my scarf out of your crotch!"
"If I had a dime for every time I heard that...."
-Shimmer and Kli

"A line you don't hear very often: 'I like you so much, you make me feel like I didn't just take a knife to the back!'"
-Kli, after watching Strange Days

"Don't daydream and drive. You might hit a tree and spill your daydream."

"So I said to him, 'Elly, why did you say doncing?' And he said, 'I just felt like having some fun with my a's.'"

"Dude, it's dadaist porn."
"Dadaist porn... no, it's gotta have a mustache. Girls with mustaches, that's dadaist porn."
-Panthea and Kli

"You know, I should've known when you killed the goldfish that you couldn't take care of a Belgian!"

"It's ten o'clock on a Thursday -"
"Wait, that's - that's coconut time!"
"Is it really?"
-Ari and Kli

"It's not porno! It's Canadian!"

"I called the Office of Advising. They advised me that I have class today."

"I always figured, you know, there was just the one kind."
"Oh, no. Kristal got a new one."
"A new virginity?"
"Was the old one busted?"
-Panthea, Kramer, and Kli

"Narcs: the anti-drug."
"Drugs: the anti-narc."
-Shimmer and Kli

"Take me to your leader!"
"...I don't want to, it's too embarassing."
-Panthea and Kli

"I may not be that clever, but I can still go 'hwah'!"

"Over the course of this weekend, we drank about 60 beers, 4 bottles of wine, 2 cases of Mike's, and a bottle of champagne... I guess that's not too bad, huh?"

"Individual parts of my day may or may not have been interfered with; the future, however, remains gloriously unwritten. Gloriously."

"Maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe our movement founded on hate won't be evil."

"Could you write my paper for me?"
"I don't actually... speak English...."
-Kli and Philbert

"A police state is like a sheep full of dead ducks: no good to anyone."
-Kli, paraphrasing Ardal O'Hanlon

"I have eyes only for you, and a cock only for Max Weber."
-Kli (not a fan of the Weber)

"The revolution will not be casual dress."

"I know he's a mature seventeen-year-old, but why did he jump off the deck?"

"I'm not brave enough or strong enough or well-liked enough to climb that tree."

"That's fantastic. We'll have a stick. And tomorrow morning, we won't know why."

"When will white people learn it's their job to give people the blues?"

"Apparently I performed an action too many times in a short period."
"Your computer just called you obsessive-compulsive! That's not something you want to hear from a machine."
-Panthea and Kli

"Aw, look at the sheep! They're wearing KKK robes!"

"I hope they're not driving drunk."
"I think it's a pretty fair bet."
"I hope they're not driving stupid."
-Kli and Panthea

"It probably got out of hand somewhere around the fifty bananas."
"It probably got out of hand somewhere around 'Hi, my name is Kli, how are you?'"
-Panthea and Kli (and oh, so true)

"That's my mom. She does that. She's not like other mommies, who actually make sense."

"Wanna fight?"
"No! Why on Earth would I want to fight you?"
"See? You're not drunk, you're stoned!"
-Panthea and Kli (there was a bit of confusion on the point)

Kli on her shoes:

"I feel like most of my life is spent looking for my shoes."
"The most common phrases in my social life: 'Are those the cops?' and 'Where are my shoes?'"
"My wallet and sex are the two hardest things for me to find right now. And my shoes."

Quotes from Ireland (Summer 2002)

"Breathing is for chumps. I want a respirator."

"It's like having phone sex with a deaf girl. It doesn't work."
-Steve, re: vegetarian haggis

"I've seen stranger things... Steve. Enough said."

"All right, I'm going to the little archaeologist's room."

"Choose life. Kill the other guy."

"I just hit my head. And by 'head' I mean 'thumb'."

"I am nobody's pet Canuck! I am my own Canuck!"

"Hold it with one hand while you pound it with the other. Make your own joke."
-Katie re: setting stakes

"And God said, 'Let there be breasts!'"

"I'm sweating like a pedophile in a Barney suit."

"Speaking of an old man, I gotta go tap a kidney."

"Where does 'melk' come from?"
[in unison] "Cows."
-MerryMac, Panthea + ArchaeoDork, Sir Wimbly

"He died for our sins and then spat in our faces."
-Cat re: "Jesus"

"I like boobies! And doobies! When I go home I'm gonna get both!"

"Where's my lung? Nobody move!"

"I wanted to make sense, but I didn't."
"Maybe next time."
-Cathy and Steph

"[MerryMac] and I have come to an agreement -"
"I like beer!"
-Sir Wimbly and MerryMac

"Okay! You run with that. And possibly something sharp at the same time."

"Have you ever played the boobie game?"
"...Probably, what are the rules?"
-Kristen and MerryMac

"I travel in large groups of one."
"You're a travelling circus."
-Cat and ArchaeoDork

Bathroom graffiti in a stall in Cavan:
"The real difference between an apple and an orange: there's no such thing as an apple bastard."

The following quotes are all courtesy of Steph.

"She doesnít count. She is a self-contained bubble of amusement."

"[Sir Wimbly] isnít a balloon, he just has large Norwegian birthing hips."

"What time is the castle open?"
"Well, considering that itís a ruin, itís always open."
-ArchaeoDork and the Tourism Lady

"Where did you get all this dirt?"
"From my ass. No, but seriously, [Sir Wimbly]ís hole."
-Panthea and Steph

"I wonder how many fish are in this river."
-Cathy and Steph

"This is such a beautiful city. And by beautiful, I mean gorgeous. And by city I mean, hot, sexy men."
-Steph's journal

Email: panthea@populli.net

More quotes?