Quotes from Fandom Wank*Fandom Wank: It's less about the fandom, and more about who can make the most people spew beverages on their monitors.
*And associated communities
Quotes are attributed by Journalfen user name.
"If you can't stand the gangbang, don't drop the soap."
"I'm just going to ignore the misogyny and concentrate on the fact that he's apparently being interviewed by an enthusiastic root vegetable."
"Wow. It's not every day you see someone wipe out so spectacularly on the pseudointellectual bunny slope."
"Maybe if there were better phalli, there'd be better phallic metaphors."
"Her understanding of socio-judicial history and theory rivals that of the peach yogurt I had for breakfast."
What [slash] scares me the most is HagridxHermione...its out there. Be very afraid.
ingrid: "That's HET, you tuna-brained twit."
phosfate: "I'm not entirely sure she knows the difference."
kannaophelia: "I have these lovely books called Where Did I Come From? and What's Happening to Me? that might make it more clear for her."
"How's your goddamn memic phylogenesis now, bitch?"
onetrickpony: "Pfft. Everyone knows that mermaids are extinct."
phosfate: "Which is a good thing, because I'm really tired of picking nipples out of my tuna."
"Though I do think it's pretty damned funny to hear Mormons arguing that gay marriage is a threat to the institution of matrimony. 'Well, what's next? Polygamy... oh, wait....'"
imbrium: "Since when does one associate emotion or sex with meat in intestinal casings, anyway?"
puipui: "But I thought 'meat in intestinal casings' was pretty much the definition of buttsex?"
"Somewhere, even Barbara Cartland is pointing and laughing."
trintrin: "They should make it a requirement to have an IQ test when you buy a computer."
geekmagirl: "'The Internet: Now with only ten people!'"
feloniousfeline: "But, oddly enough, the same amount of porn."
"I think I've figured out just why 'MY HED IZ PASTEDE ON YAY!' is so amusing. Or part of it, at least. It's the 'YAY' at the end, that implies that Dom is REALLY REALLY excited about the PASTEDE-ness of his HED."
"Dude, the wank is so deep and thick I had to get hip waders and slog through to the switch and turn the valve. But then I realized that I had left the valve handle in the other item box with the shotgun, so I had to go BACK through the zombie room to get it, and all I was armed with was a combat knife and three green herbs.
"I was halfway there when I realized that I'd been playing too much Resident Evil."
"Can't sleep. Dead people will fuck me."
"Then Jesus will whack Bush upside the head with a copy of the Bible and say 'Judge not, lest you be judged, bitch.'"
jewelsong: "Well, you know, I DO care. Because if Elijah is gay it means he will never fuck me omg."
onehandclapping: "Me too! I mean, I'm 40, married, two kids and a body that proves it, live in the wilds of Western Canada (and that is wild, let me tell you) and if ELIJAH IS NOT STR8, I will DIE BECUASE THEN HE WON'T FUCK ME OMG and HE IS SO GOING TO FUCK ME!!!11"
phosfate: "Aw, man. I hope he doesn't fuck me. I'm totally busy."
"I was about to write a huge rant about how I don't get people who are so strongly anti-porn. It would have been intelligent, ground-breaking, creative and unassailable. All would have fallen down and wept before the horrible beauty of my logic.
"But I got bored and decided to look at porn instead.
"I now desire a portentous enchilada."
phosfate: "Of course, the Vilified Christian Right's clock is set back about 400 years...."
backfromspace: "No one really likes them, anyway."
phosfate: "Not with all that vilification, no."
Anon: "I just watched Xena because it had swords. Do I lose at being female?"
smirnoffmule: "Oh, me too. Swords and horses. Was peering past the hot girls to see the swords and horses. I lose at being a woman, but totally win at being a closet musketeer."
anne_noonlight: "The Doctor's doorsexual anyway. He may love Rose, but she will never truly surpass his deep attraction to mahogany."
lurker32: "A mahogamist? Heavens."
llama_treats: "My imaginary internet pills taste like sunshine and rainbows."
dorothy1901: "My imaginary internet pills taste like buttered toast, and make me shut up like a telescope."
skarrow: "My internet laywer hasn't gotten me internet insurance. I have no pills. Omgudontluvme."
phosfate: "You should ask your internet pharmacist about internet generics."
llama_treats: "I read that as 'internet genetics'. And then I got scared."
phosfate: "Quiet! I must have comlete silence in order to successfully gestate the llamafate!"
llama_treats: *chokes on altoid* *dies*
puipui: "Was that a real altoid or an internet altoid?"
llama_treats: "It was an internet altoid that I found in the woods, but nobody heard me."
Take me back to the 80's and punish me!
"I hate repetitive people."
"Oh, Hitlercat schmitlercat. The Purred Reich was nothing without the subtle propaganda of Joseph Gerbils."
"I'm really quite put out that no one thinks I'm a deranged whore."
"Think of the fucking children, you fucking fuckers."
eiviiaru: "Poor hamster. Small, furry animals need love, but that should not involve dressing them up."
lokifin: "But... how else are you supposed to take them to prom?"
darkslash: "Strapped to your wrist as a corsage?"
"Well, if the Sei/Sub shippers didn't do suicide bombings and the Subaru/Kamui didn't occupy the West Bank of the Internet and, like, bulldoze towns, the Israel/Palestine 'shippers could just get back to writing pr0n."
circumstance: "Can someone tell me why no one on the internet can spell 'plagiarism'?"
rikoshi: "Because looking in a dictionary to learn how to spell it would constitute using someone else's work?"
"It's like the artist knows the theory of cock, but hasn't actually field tested one."
"Isn't posting about killing your mother against the TOS?"
"I have, however, learned from the Internet that wanting to have sex makes you a teenie, having sex makes you a slut, not having sex makes you a frustrated and angry Feminazi, marriage makes you a bored housewife who lives off sexual fantasies, and Lesbianism means you just haven't found the right guy yet. And no matter what, you have a fat ass."
"To hell with gender, I just don't fuck the stupid ones."
"kidnapped child: Help me Jesus!
Jesus: OK, LETSEE, LIE STILL AND PLAY DEAD!
kidnapped child: But how is that-
Jesus: JUST DO IT!
kidnapped child: *is sold into a life of slavery*
Jesus: OH, WAIT, THAT'S FOR BEARS"
-sewingmyfish, on bad advice from the Son Of God
"I imagine most sexy Amazon battles must go something like:
Sword swing. Ching! Bounces off tiny armor on left breast.
Sword swing. Ching! Bounces off tiny armor on right breast.
Sword swing. Ching! Bounces off tiny armor on crotch.
'Damn, these women's defenses are impenetrable!'"
Anon, to another anon: "I love you, whoever you are. Anonymity cannot be an obstacle to our love forever!"
coffee_mug: "You'll have a hard time calling each other's names in bed. 'OHH YESS ...!' 'AHHHH ..!'"
Anon: "In those awkward moments, we'll just say 'Hey, doesn't ataniell suck?'"
"I have no idea whether or not Dom actually likes clowns, or whether he prefers Coke to Pepsi. But since he's obviously smart enough to know that MsA is batshit insane, I think he's also smart enough to realize that both clowns and Pepsi products are of the devil."
"This thread died two months ago. Please refrain from digging it up and having illegal interactions with the corpse."
"And the good fairy came down, and she said, 'What the fuck have you been dippin', Little Bunny Foo Foo?!'"
"Yes, because that's what ALL feminists mean when they say 'women are equal to men.' What they're really saying is 'Women, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, have a penis and not a vagina. Also testicles. The breasts are merely a clever subterfuge. Obviously it worked. Go us.'"
"Holy shit, that wank used up the entire punctuation allotment of a small country for like a year. When Luxembourg runs out of exclamation points right before the holiday rush they're going to sue for reparations, and it'll serve that board right."
"I think she's trying to subtly brag that she has a boyfriend... as if finding another geek to make The Geek With Two Backs with makes her, like, Queen of the Geeks."
"My strap-on is all the way upstairs, you know. I'd have to put the Doritos down to go get it."
"Hell, I'm pretty sure they've found slash vrs anti-slash arguments written in hieroglyphics on the pyramids.
First inscription: giant eye, heart, two little men kissing, incontinent dog, incontinent dog
second inscription: Giant eye, X-drawn through same little men, several incontinent dogs
third inscription: laughing mouth and finger pointing at two previous inscriptions, Giant squid doing something rude with the sphinx."
iczer6: "Anime Fandom: 'Our monsters may ruthlessly rape cute schoolgirls, but some of 'em cuddle too.'"
thesithlybroad: "Rabid Demon Tentacle Monster: Honey, we're out of condoms again!
Honey: How many do you need?
Rabid Demon Tentacle Monster: One, two, three... two hundred seventy five... two hundred seventy six more!"
rossi: "*ducks the Keanu fangirls, should any be around*"
queenbead: "No threat here, my friend. I spend 364 days out of a year pissed off that Keanu is stealing my oxygen (365 during a leap year)."
smo: "So in a normal year, you forgive him on New Year's? I'm confused."
"Nothing says love like a well-placed butt plug."
kookaburra: "I'm wondering how one 'fights against the tyranny of physical idealism.' Become as fugly as one can?"
singe: "Wheee, I'm winning! Without even trying, too!"
"I used to miss my cats, but then I realized I could just empty mysterious body fluids and hair over all my possessions every few days, and cut out the middlemen."
"Femmeslash with strap-ons has red hair, but not pale skin and freckles. These kinds of fics are called 'daywalkers.'"
"After all this time, I still don't know who Blaise Zabini is, but by God, I sure know he's black."
"They couldn't find Harry Potter porn? WTF? Where did they look, inside a banana?"
sharonapple: "What did the English language ever do to her?"
lil_mink: "It overpowered her spellcheck, BDSMed her punctuation in the b.a.l.l.s. and had a rape fantasy about shift-key control?"
"Haha. You try telling a bunch of rabid Final Fantasy VII fans that it's just a game. They will spell poorly at you for the rest of your life."
Anon: "So if my vag is an internal organ, exactly what am I paying to get waxed every month?"
wankprophet: "Your car, presumably. Good rule of thumb: if you can fit two in the front and three in back, it's your car."
"Most of us have feelings about other people that have nothing to do with Harry's penis."
"YAOI FANGIRLS, LET THE GAY PEOPLE GO!"
"Oh, no, I think it can be done. You just have to give them a little advance notice. Like, for example, 'Hey, [guy's name], could you bend over and pick up that paper for me?'"
-smo provides instructions for surprise buttsex
"If I have an inner eight-year-old, does that mean I'm not CF?"
phosfate: "A 'bishy' is a physically tiny but high-ranking official in the Catholic church. Like Michael Dunn, but in a really fancy hat."
snacky: "Huh. That explains a lot about the Catholic church, now that I think of it."
luckdragonfujur: "Please, somebody think of the cynics."
rotten_fish: "They think of you. Naked. While they say, 'Those cannot be real.'"
"We're not here to offer advice. We're here to laugh and be childish and propose to other people we met in a thread because we like their icons."
-resmiranda explains Fandom Wank
gloria_mundi: "This will end in fire."
lightnote_blend: "Fire? Why fire? Why not ice? Or puppies? Rainbows? Chocolate? Boobies? Why doesn't anything ever end in boobies?"
"I don't need you! I have my graphing calculator!"
"She's going to have to find some other metaphorical cock to wave around during arguments. Maybe she should try a less metaphorical cock? Slapping someone in the face with a eight inch glittery dildo would certainly get your point across. Or a point across. Or a restraining order."
Anon (baskerville): "Obviously, you should not be reccing fics you have read. This solves the friends=reading list dilemma. And very neatly, too, if I do say so myself."
velvet_mace: "Actually, to be TRULY correct you must recc EVERYONE. That way you aren't playing favorites!"
baskerville: "Then I rec . . . the internet! (You won't believe the twist ending!)"
?: "Geez, you'd think neither of them had ever heard of a back button."
jenova: "There is no back button in fanficrants."
smo: "There's something very Matrix about that statement."
ecchaniz0r: "So now there is neither a back button nor a spoon. ...Shoot, now how'm I gonna exit this crappy fanfic page and then eat my cereal? *wibble*"
smo: "Eat your cereal with a fork, and read your fanfic in the dark."
taiga_ameca: "Is there some multitasking bartending involved?"
smo: "Only if you're in Slytherin."
"That was worded strangely. I've had beer."
"I have a bat, a week's supply of ramen, goat repellent, and anger issues. Let's rock."
"I thought about building you a boat to survive the river of tears I'm crying for you even as we speak, but the world's smallest violins just aren't a reliable source of lumber, and that cross you're nailing yourself to seems like it'd be buoyant enough anyway."
-backfromspace (or possibly Dr. House)
"I think it's given that one day, I'll turn on the 9 o'clock news and there'll be nighttime footage from JKR's front yard. Upon the lawn, there'll be giant gasoline letters aflame and they will spell 'H/HR FOREVA BITCA'. Solemn police officers and firemen and blinkenlights and journalists galore surround the spectacle. JRK has 'no bloody comments.'"
Detention was my idea, my vision and it is my blood, sweat and tears. Mine, and no one elses.
smo: "And this clarifies what, exactly?"
phosfate: "It clarifies exactly why she's got those massive dry-cleaning bills."
"Yeah, people. JKR is really deep and likes to hide things. That's why she named a werewolf 'Remus Lupin' and someone who turns into a black dog 'Sirius Black'. I never saw what was coming. Really."
"That video. Wow. It sucks with a suck that endureth and ceaseth not."
theregoesmygun: "I dunno if I can see 'Brokeback Mountain'. I mean, I don't think it has many zombies at all in it, from the look of the trailer."
capsulekei: "I'm sorry to inform you it is so lacking in the zombie department that there are none at all."
theregoesmygun: "Okay, I am so not seeing it now. It can go fuck itself in the ear."
capsulekei: "Though it got kind of exciting when Jake Gyllenhaal's character turned out to be a cyborg... oh. Should that have come with a spoiler warning?"
theregoesmygun: "Robots, eh?! Are there dinosaurs too? Shark attacks?"
capsulekei: "When Jake takes Heath Ledger back in time, they stop off and have to fight some dinosaurs for a while. Honestly, the guys dismissing this just because of the gay love are missing out on some quality T-rex fighting time traveling robots."
theregoesmygun: "I love quality T-rex fighting time!"
"Nothing says 'I have an intelligent point to make' like the word kawaii repeated endlessly in a sea of ^_^s."
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR OWN 'XD's."
aerobot: "Purple is not a 'real colour'? Then what IS it, dumbass?"
smo: "A pigment of our imagination."
"If I see it, it's a color. If it's a color, I can say it when I'm writing about people's eyes staring longingly as they touch their gay lover's no-no bad place."
"Well, you see, once upon a time, robots walked the earth and acted as chaperones for young gentlemen and ladies on their dates. These super-robots made sure absolutely no bodily fluid was exchanged and strictly enforced a 'no rape' policy. Since they were robots, they did not have the weakness of the flesh of their Hu-man charges-- they were neither frail like the fe-male (because robots are strong, and they're made of metal), nor spiritually weak and lustful like the male. They were emotionless, steel, date-chaperoning machines.
"Of course, this all changed the day Rapey, The Robot Who Liked Rape, came off the assembly line. We don't speak of the robots now."
I could barely read Carpe Jugulum for the mockery it made of the vampire mythos.
"Whoah. Vampire fundie."
mimbulus: "Well, if there had only been, say, fifteen enslaved Canadians in the attic, that wouldn't have been silly at all."
mister_terrific: "Just a good start."
"I honestly tried to read that, but then came the involuntary sleeping."
If she is a guy then how do you explain the fact that there is no buldge in her pants?
firebad: "I first read that as 'budgie'. And freaked out."
puipui: "All men should have budgies in their pants. It would make life so much more interesting."
mister_terrific: "But the trouser snake is already taking up so much room..."
phosfate: "There's a phoenix-basilisk joke in there somewhere, but I'm not reaching in anybody's pants to find it."
"I keep reading 'Heron' as 'He-Ron.' I keep expecting She-Ron to pop out for some wacky hijinks involving the Battle of Greyskull or something."
"I was on a train with some little kids in the same car as me for twelve hours once. It wasn't that they were loud or troublesome, but when I fell asleep I woke up to them circled around my head like children of the corn and I've been a little haunted since. Don't take kids on trains, they try to take human sacrifices."
"Oh no! Now I know exactly how the flying smurf felt after he had to eat bricks."
"A friend once suggested to me that I might have Asperger's. I told her that was impossible, because I'm not a dick on the internet."
YOU LIVE IN A BOX THAT YOU CALL REALITY
"Actually, I live in a box that I call Stan. Long story, don't ask."
troglodyke: "It's good that this is what you don't understand."
wickedwitch: "This is the one thing closest to reality on the twangy möbius strip of her mind that I can question. If I went farther, I'd come back wearing a tasteful arangement of my own liver and kneecaps as a riding hat."
chibikaijuu: "You know what would make this wank totally, incredibly, utterly fantastic (moreso than now)? If Boldface!Snape were actually JK Rowling."
Boldface!Snape: "Your audacity astounds me. For the record, I'm all man."
bitch_ass_hoe: "That's what Edward D. Wood, Jr. said as well. Do they make angora sweaters in black?"
B!S: "I don't see what my angora sweater has to do with this."
tez: "You have one? Does it shed all over your robes? I always have that issue with angora."
B!S: "It used to. But it learned."
EVERY religion in the world has either and active or passive form of the Golden Rule. "Do onto others as you would have others do onto you".
"Not mine! The Golden Rule of my religion is 'If you can poke it with a stick, then do so.'"
bubosquared: "Breaking news: Water May Be Wet!"
missdaisy: "New Update: Humans Need to Breathe!"
seiberwing: "Startling Discovery: Pope Found to be Catholic!"
smo: "Bears: Against All Odds, Still Shitting in the Woods."
"It always boggles my mind when I come across someone with an active dislike of U2. I mean, they're just four nice Irish boys who make music and, on the weekends, get into their shrinking machine and board their microscopic ship, after which they are injected into the bloodstreams of poor Africans, where they use their teeny little laser guns to take out HIV one virus at a time."
nlb_muffin: "Tell me more about this 'real world.'"
sarracenia: "It's that place I go when I get off the computer to get more chocolate."
"If Anne Rice had a coherent sentence strapped to her ass, she couldn't find it with both hands, a roadmap, and guidebook entitled Your Ass: How to Find It."
"I appear to be missing a penis over here. Whoops?"
daromaius: "Would you mind terribly if I had your babies?"
apoplexia: "You should know that they're not so much born as burst forth from your sternum. But apart from that, no, go ahead."
"I want to have her babies. Or maybe cake. I could make her cake. Either is good. Cake, or babies, or cake made out of babies."
"Then I realized I was an idiot, it's 2AM, and the fuzzy pink llamas won't stop eating my brain."
"Dear person who I am stalking, whose life I am destroying, whose fanfiction is not read and whose dog died because of F_W: Who the fuck are you?"
"I feel there is something wrong with this sentence. The logic is broken."
"I'm just here to accompany my icon."
"As testament, I read that page and then went away and banged my head into the doorframe. As you can see, it clearly does make people stupider."
"Fucking amateur wouldn't know real shit if an Elizabethan fishwife cried 'Gardy LOOOOOOO!' and dumped it on him from an upper-story window."
"If they join forces I'll know it's a sign of the Second Coming, where Jesus will descend, build the temple, give an epiphany to the masses that will consist of 'LOL internet. ^_^' And he will be able to pronounce the smiley face, for he is God."
iczer6: "This will not end well."
elysian: "It won't start well, either, and the middle will be rubbish."
"Well, be fair. The Gospels' characterization is totally inconsistent, the plots diverge at different points, the timelines conflict, and the four authors couldn't even agree on the ending. It's like they think they're Douglas Adams or something."
"This is where I miss the point, flail, and scream 'STOP POKING THE BEES!' in a defensive manner."
"I assure you, my apathy about contraceptives in fanfic will not get me pregnant. No e-sperm will swim down my lusty internet connection, pierce my throbbing firewall, and violate my personal copyright."
"It's also the reason I own 1.4 cars! The .4's a bitch to drive in traffic, though."
"Arabic is the language.
Arab is the ethnicity.
Arabian is the horse.
This is a frying pan.
That is your head."
"I didn't think her argument was very convincing, but she put 'Period' at the end, so she must have been right."
flutterg: "We are the hive mind. Resistance is futile."
bohicamouse: "Apparently we're a hive vagina too."
sorchar: "I wondered why my pants were buzzing."
"Don't call us arrogant. We're differently egoed."
"I love it when people spell 'canon' as 'cannon'. One has to do with whether a character likes the cock, and the other is a long phallic object that shoots things out of the front end with great vigor."
"Article the First: Any law written by phoenix is, by definition, very silly and doesn't actually apply to anything.
"Article the Second: Ditto his replies.
"Article the Third: It is useless to argue with phoenix. Such activity should be left to one's cat.
"Article the Fourth: If you don't have a cat, you can borrow mine."
"All links are as alluring to me as the 'create account' button is to MsScribe."
dragonfangirl: "Someday I feel like I should sit down and draw up an analysis about what makes fanboy-wank versus fangirl-wank, but then I get a headache."
rarirurero: "Rarely in a debate with a fangirl am I ever called a fag, for one. Nor does anyone threaten to rape my mother."
ilpalazzo: "I'll rape your mom. I mean, if somebody needs to or whatever. I'm free until Monday afternoon."
"I can look at a naked woman's body without lusting. That woman is Anna Nicole Smith."
-mcity defends his gender
"CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE ARRIVAL!!"
willywanka: "If there was ever a character most fitting of the name 'pansy-arsed pussy', it's Draco. He could put it on his business cards. Draco Malfoy, professional ass-pussy."
polygamouse: "But he writes mean songs! And magics up mocking badges!
And makes elaborate collages out of dried maccaroni and seashells depicting the Trio in embarassing situations!Nothing speaks of a villain's iron man-grapes like a solid understanding of the darker side of arts and crafts."
amxjm: "So does this mean Hogwarts should be looking for a Defense Against The Dark Arts And Crafts teacher? ('I'm your new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher... so we'll be using lots of pastels.')"
"No dinosaurs shall be punched in the face during the making of this orgy."
-puipui wins at disclaimers
lillyv: "...I'm just gonna burn the internet down, okay? For the good of the world. I'll fill the tubes with gasoline and light them on fire. Then we'll never speak of it again. Is that okay with everyone? Any objections?"
southerngaelic: "*raises hand* What about the porn?"
lillyv: "The porn will be loaded onto a truck for safety."
phosfate: "Wow. Someone who's actually more hateful than Ann Coulter."
damnedfallacy: "Just when you think it isn't possible to fall out of the basement..."
"If Ataniell starts shutting up about her vagina, I'm going to have to assume that this is some sort of bizarre dream sequence."
-puipui confronts surreality
justicepeckham: "Hey, [frappe]'s some foreign word. Girly-ass foreign words aren't manly. Therefore, you objectify men. Nice going!"
xturtle: "No, no, no. It contains the word 'rappe' which, in the Olde English (which is naturally older than Old English, as evinced by the added 'e' at the end), held the double meaning of 'pummel until all ingredients are like as one' and 'rape' (those Olde Englishmen weren't so hot at the spelling). So clearly, it is actually a masculine (and frankly misogynist) way of making smoothies and other delicious blender drinks."
"There's simply nothing else to do: We must gather together a band of noble adventurers and go on a Quest for the Yuri. There will be many perils and phallic obstacles in our way, but I'm confident that, in time, we can find our way to that legendary confluence of gentle valleys!"
"I would answer 'I write slash because if I didn't someone else would.' Only that no one ever asks me and I don't. But someone else does."
"Wow. Someone sure woke up with a case of Happy Sunshine Dictator."
"Mocking people for mocking makes baby Wilde cry... havoc, and let slip the hounds of verbal bitchslap. And baby Voltaire crap his nappy and name it after you."
Good God, people like you make me sick.
shoiryu: "Imagine what we have to go through when we look in the mirror every morning! Come on, don't you have any humanity? Think of the lifeless losers!"
sorchar: "The sheer amount of Pepto Bismol I go through has become so expensive I've had to sell a kidney. Not mine, of course. I have no conscience."
redcoast: "What's this ardeur crap and why do people hate it so much? Is it like the Borg?"
issendai: "It's a Sooper Magical Powar that requires Anita Blake to schtoink like a rabbit every few hours or Bad Things happen to the people around her. It's very like the Borg, if the entire Borg Collective looked like Seven of Nine and conquered worlds with punani instead of guns."
"Courtney killed Kurt? Ms. I-Can't-Even-Hold-My-Own-Under-The-Overwhelming-Forces-Of-Gravity Love managed to assassinate a major celebrity and get away with it? Even if the woman tried to shoot him, in reality she'd just end up spritzing a water pistol at a very unamused raccoon in the backyard."
ecchaniz0r: "Ah, masturbation. Is there anything it doesn't solve?"
"I, for one, am cheered by the lack of dead kittens and brain-damaged children in this post. Rock on, horse-fuckers!"
ashenmote: "You are my favorite repressive environment."
puipui: "I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's said to me all week."
"Real anarchists would never post on any Internet sites you can get to. They don't care for the Internet because it doesn't come on vinyl."
"Ganesh is my homey. I dig the trunk, he digs the beer in my fridge."
"You know, one of these days the peasants are going to rise up and post really, really unfunny Lake Woebegone fan fiction in revolt against your malevolent dictatorship, Sep. What will you do then? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they chew bees at you?"
Nor am I participating here anymore.
"Pretty soon, this sentiment is going to file for divorce citing repeated broken promises. It wants custody of the dog."
"Silly Canada! Don't they know that they are America's hat?"
"And somewhere in the hereafter, Mohammed did headdesk mightily and exclaim that THAT IS NOT WHAT HE MEANT, IDIOTS. And Buddha did look upon his buddy's plight with sympathy, and give him tea. (For verily, Mohammed does not drink, yo.)"
Do you really think Jo would do this - soooo out off character for this thoughtful, considerate, balanced and (lets be frank) attractive woman?
zealot: "Because we all know... only ugly, crazy bitches are capable of writing on hard surfaces."
seraphael: "Only ugly, off-balance bitches write on hard surfaces. Then they fall over."
"I'm not sure animals can be aware of dignity enough to feel demeaned. I asked my cat about dignity once, but he was too busy licking his asshole to answer me."
My anti-depressants are my wheelchair.
glossing2: "It's the 'God is my co-pilot' for the new millennium!"
Anon: "Alcohol is my crutch."
kahrohseh: "Caffeine is my corrective foot brace."
mael: "Why would someone need a Kalashnikov to hunt, is what I wonder. I mean, are they afraid the game's gonna retaliate and they'll need a technological advantage?"
phosfate: "So that while you hunt, you can pretend the deer and moose are defecting to the West."
"I hope Jeebus never gets internet access. He'll just turn to his dad like, 'I died for who now?'"
llama_treats: "I'll be more impressed when the robots do my bidding."
wankprophet: "Hip-hop is your bidding. At least it would be if you weren't a damned racist."
llama_treats: "Yes. As a racist, my bidding is a little more country and a little less rock 'n roll."
"LJ: Not Actually Your Rainbow Princess Diary With a Heart-Shaped Locket."
"Is that one of those 'If a Weasley orgy takes place in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a noise?' questions? If yes, you can stop reincarnating now. You have reached buddha-nature."
"They've really gotta stop putting stupid in the drinking water."
"Screw this. A wizard did it. A wizard is why Superman isn't covered in cake."
"Look, we think it is amazingly cool to stand in a group and make fun of someone else because that is an opinion commonly held in circling vulture circles and we are
a) in fact circling vultures and
b) traditional like that."
lulinda: "Shit. Am I late for the nightly beatdown of kids, gays and women?"
sepiamagpie: "I saved a lesbian toddler just for you."
You might turn it into rape or other sorts of vicious/sexual torments but who the hell wants to read that?
"::raises hand:: Is this a headcount?"
coclytus: "How can you have half an orgasm? Inquiring minds want to know."
seventy_three: "The phone rings in the middle?"
"Jesus wept, someone get me a stegosaurus, stat!"
You'd be better off using homosexuality as a recreational sex outlet, and only using heterosexuality for the purposes of reproduction within marriage.
"Ancient Greece? Is that you?"
"Hello. My name is Indignant Annoyer. You killed my fetish. Prepare to wank."
"Jensen's a shy, shrinking violet. Only the power of Jared's mighty cock can give him the courage to face his public. Much like Popeye and spinach, only with less e. coli and more money shots."
"I have never understood people who loudly proclaim that they're violent, or a bitch, or crazy. I mean, what's the point of warning your victims?"
dracothelizard: "[I]f the Master wasn't sexually active, what the hell was he doing with Lucy?"
ryttu3k: "Don't you know? She makes a mean Bombe Alaska. Unfortunately, the Master took that as a suggestion. And bombed Alaska."
LJ clarifies their TOS (again):
"I see this means I can stop wondering if eighteen-year-old Harry using a Time Turner to duplicate himself, taking a Polyjuice Potion with a hair of being seventeen, and screwing his non-time-travelling eighteen-year-old self on a train travelling sixty-five miles an hour from Los Angeles to San Francisco will collide with LJ with enough force to break the ToS."
"This comment fails to strike the appropriate balance between dinosaurs and sodomy."
"Your comment seems rather like the buzzing of a fly's wings in New York City rush hour traffic just before it gets splattered against a windshield."
snacky: "Do you lay awake at night thinking up your comments, or do they come to you in visions? Just curious."
khym_chanur: "Invisible plaid spiders crawl out of the walls and yodel at me, telling me what to post in iambic pentameter."
kijikun: "Someone needs to make a icon of that. If only so I can hurt others with it."
"Oh, please. Amish fen have been waiting for years to get their handwritten and hand-delivered invitations to Yuletide. Do you know how much they want to write Witness slash? They keep hoping, every time they see a buggy come down the lane, and every time... bitter disappointment."
"The world would be a much more peaceful and pleasant place if God would just get off His lazy ass and explain His thoughts on yaoi."
"Great. The unrelenting stream of SRS BZNS not only hollowed out my soul, it went on to fill it with bees. I hope you're happy, fandom_wank. I hope you're fucking happy."
"I was slightly concerned about this until I found out they only have a cousin, who is not even an IP lawyer, on the case. That's not exactly a crack legal team that's likely to get major precedents set. That's part of the setup for a redneck joke."
kijikun: "Why is the not getting it spreading? Why?"
the_sun_is_up: "It's like a disease! An evil disease brought on by the Potterdammerung."
honorh: "It's the Second Horseman of the Wankopalypse: 'And lo, I saw a rider on a red horse, and he spread upon the earth a plague of Stupid and Fail. Despair seized those with functional brains, and they cried aloud, "Woe upon the earth! For the wankers do not Get It and cause us to tear our hair and beat our breasts and stab sporks in our eyes! When will this suffering end?" And the Lord said unto them, "Welcome to my world, dudes."'"
There is not doubt in my mind Severus Snape does NOT like his partner to be a mute lamb
camilla: "He favours bleating goats."
nekoneko: "Like Aberforth, then?"
camilla: "For Aberforth they come quietly."
puipui: "So Severus likes screamers, is what you're saying?"
"By the power of sheer temporal physics, I declare you a canoe! FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. With ghostly mathematical tendencies."
"I love all these 'but she said it was based on the book.' It's like they expect West Side Story to have these lines: 'What light from yonder window breaks? It is the east and ... Maria is smokin'.'"
seca: "I thought LotR fandom was pretty much dead by now."
ebbrowning: "It's not dead. It's pining for the Frodos."
"It's a cat! For Christ's sake, why all this wank over a cute, fluffy, big-eyed, self-propelled, stumpy chunk of barbed wire in a precious little travel-sized mohair sweater?"
"Don't count your chickens before they manifest evil, Stevie!"
"I love how it doesn't even matter that several of the first commenters pointed out that the cats don't have any problems from having short legs and folded ears, and yet people keep going 'THEY MUST! THEY MUUUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK NORMAL TO ME!' It's kind of like the kitty borg or something. 'We are the kitty borg. Prepare to be enlongated. Cuteness is futile.'"
"You just shut up and get back on your unicorn, Missy."
"Okay, yeah, fine, store-bought ketchup will turn my kid into a robot. But is there anything at the supermarket that will turn her into a ninja? I think she'd be more interested if it could turn her into a ninja."
"It's amazing how upset some people get at the thought of gigantic metal penises."
"I'm sorry, but I can't take you seriously unless you describe the problem in German."
I'm just pretty sure people in Europe have other knowledge than Americans do.
"I love the implication that Europe has been hiding the secrets of butter physics for years now."
sepiamagpie: "Journalfen actually just appears to us as long as we believe. It exists in each and every one of us. Like... like kidneys."
Anon (Tetra): "S-so my mind makes it real? Wait... if I die on JF, do I die in real life?"
sepiamagpie: "Journalfen is much like Canada in that regard, yes. Also all the moose."
"I have no idea what anyone in this thread is talking about anymore, but it dismays me that the topic of my death came up."
"Why does he keep accusing us of being internet police? Do police sit around and watch crime and laugh at it? Because I could so do that job."
"Interesting thought: she can't publish a fanfic for profit, but she can legally publish a book about that fanfic for profit. We have finally uncovered the missing step of the underpants gnomes."